The Post Apocalyptic Movies You Didn’t See…Way Beyond the Thunderdome

Deserts and desperation. From Mad Max (1979) to Children of Men (2006) we sure do love speculating about what the world might look like after a nuclear holocaust. The post-apocalyptic sub-genre of the dystopian movie is something of a Hollywood staple nowadays (The Road, Book of Eli). There have been many a fine example of what a story can do with a clean slate. After the disaster you can make your own rules…unfortunately a lot of post-apocalyptic flicks don’t seem to realize that the possibilities of what a post-apocalyptic world can be are endless. You can go all out weird-bad bonkers like John Boorman’s misguided wtf Zardoz (1974) with Sean Connery, or you can go total glittery-cape-wearing zombie-war like in the Charlton Heston classic The Omega Man (1971). Most of the films mentioned in this paragraph are fairly well-known or popular (ok, Zardoz is a little out there), but I’d like to focus on a few post-apocalyptic movies you probably didn’t see. Both good and bad these films celebrate the endless possibilities of life after the bomb drops.

Come travel back in time with me as we explore the future.

When I hear a title like Hell Comes to Frogtown (1987) a little twinge of excitement tickles my spine. I watched this movie knowing it was going to be bad. It did not disappoint. Hell Comes to Frogtown stars wrestler “Rowdy” Roddy Piper (They Live) as Sam Hell, one of the last remaining fertile males in the not too distant future. Hell is captured and his netherbits are locked up by the provisional government so that he can go on a mission—wait for it, wait for it—to impregnate all the fertile females that are held hostage in Frogtown. So what is Frogtown? Frogtown is the steam-filled factory-like settlement inhabited by mutant frog people. Ribbit. If this movie sounds a little campy and chauvinistic, it’s only because it is. This movie can’t go ten minutes without women disrobing themselves. Frogtown has everything you’d expect from a campy eighties sci-fi action comedy. You got your butch, cigar-chomping, short-hair chick who’s always stroking a big gun (Cec Verrell). Then there’s the “nerdy” chick with the stick up her butt who lets her hair down and removes her gigantic owl glasses (and several articles of clothing) to reveal she’s secretly super hot (Sandahl Bergman). There’s your regular Joe protagonist (Piper) who just wants to get the blasted electrocution diaper off his junk. Finally there are some truly silly people in big frog puppet suits. The film is ugly and terrible…just the way I like it sometimes. If nothing else, it’s better than Super Mario Bros.

The eighties had some hits, but man, when you find its forgotten misses. Don’t hate this one because it’s Canadian. Hate it because it sucks. The mercifully short Rock & Rule (1983) is just as yucky as anything to come out of the eighties. In the distant future some mutant rodent people have formed a mediocre rock band. The band is made up of the obnoxious tool of a guitarist, the loveable but paunchy intellectual keyboardist, the goofy and uber-annoying drummer, and the kind and soulful hot girl. Everything is going nowhere for these guys until an evil all-powerful rocker named Mok needs to use the girl’s voice to unleash a demon out of hell for some reason. I found it interesting that all of the male characters look rather gross or strange but with the girl they really try to minimize her rodent features and sexualize her. Anthros will love it. The story is stupid, the characters are grating, the colors are oppressive and dim, and there’s really nothing to care about in this unpleasant fantasy adventure, but the animation is actually really, really good. I was genuinely impressed by the animation in this dumb movie. The same studio animated Eek! The Cat and The Adventures of Tintin cartoons. Most of the songs are pretty forgettable, but there’s a few decent ones. The songs are performed by (get this) Lou Reed, Iggy Pop, Cheap Trick, Debbie Harry, and Earth, Wind, & Fire, so there’s that. All in all something this bad and strange should not be forgotten…because that means I have to find it.

The bad is now behind us. Now we move into the realm of the good ol’ off-the-wall post-apocalyptic movies.

A Boy and His Dog (1975) is the touching tale of the undying bond between man and man’s best friend. Kind of. In the distant future (post-apocalyptic, of course) Vic (Don Johnson) and his telepathic dog Blood (voiced by Tim McIntire) search for food and females. The landscape is reminiscent of Hell Comes to Frogtown, but it was actually Mad Max who was inspired first. A Boy and His Dog was directed by L.Q. Jones (the old, blonde, mustachioed guy in The Mask of Zorro) and is appropriately taglined as “a rather kinky tale of survival.” The protagonist, Vic, is not only a bit of an immature, reckless jerk, but he’s also a bit of a rapist too. The dog is ten times smarter than Vic is, which really makes you consider a dog’s steadfast loyalty in a whole new light. When Vic meets Quilla June Holmes (Susanne Benton) he is convinced he must see the strange, enigmatic underground city. If everyone above ground is wild and dangerous and resources are scarce then maybe it’s time to go subterranean. The problem is that Blood is wounded and so he elects to wait for Vic to return up top. Once underground Vic discovers a whole populated world of people wearing clown makeup (and the world is run by Jason Robards!!!). He then learns that they need his seed to repopulate (Frogtown! Confound you!). Initially the idea appeals to the perpetually randy Vic, but when they take all the fun out of it and keep him prisoner that’s when things get serious. I would love to tell you more, but I can’t ruin it for you. It’s a pretty odd film that gets away with a lot of its shenanigans by not taking itself too seriously. Oh, and the ending is definitely one for the books.

Lastly, and my personal favorite on this list, is the surreal British comedy The Bed-Sitting Room (1969). The film takes place in a desolate British wasteland full of oddball characters trying to carry on with their daily lives. These characters are played by many familiar English personalities such as Michael Hordern (The Spy Who Came in From the Cold), Sir Ralph Richardson (Time Bandits), Dudley Moore (Arthur), Peter Cook (Bedazzled), Roy Kinnear (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory), Rita Tushingham (Doctor Zhivago), Marty Feldman (Young Frankenstein), Harry Secombe (The Goon Show), and more! It was based on Spike Milligan’s play (he also stars in the film alongside everyone else) and it was directed by Richard Lester (A Hard Day’s Night, The Three Musketeers, Superman II). The film really operates more as a series of somewhat connected interludes and non-sequiturs, all as bafflingly surreal and morbidly funny as all get out. It almost feels like what would happen if Terry Gilliam and Alejandro Jodorowsky did a movie together. It has that absurd—almost Monty Python flavored—satire, but with the stark desperation and dreamlike transmogrifications that imply an even more cynically surreal hand at work. It’s a marvelous commentary on society and if you can get into people turning into furniture then this just might be the film for you. I absolutely loved its darkly warped wit. This is Richard Lester untethered and the cast is superb. And even weirder than Lester’s How I Won the War.

Post-apocalyptic movies have remained popular through the years and it’s no wonder. You can get really imaginative with them. I picked these films not only because they are exceptionally unusual and maybe less well known, but also because they employ a unique and welcome twist to the genre: a sense of humor. Hell Comes to Frogtown and Rock and Rule may be rather heinous, but they only mean to have fun and provide a strange escape. A Boy and His Dog and The Bed-Sitting Room are inventive and edgy, but it is their humorous spirit that defines them and makes them special. Humor affords them special privileges. Humor can say and do things drama cannot, and vice versa, but with so many dour and serious post-apocalyptic films out there, why not take a chance on one of these weird babies? If you like post-apocalyptic movies you might enjoy checking out these peculiar specimens…but you already know which ones I’d recommend first.

Originally published for “The Alternative Chronicle” June 13, 2011

Swashes Be Buckled

Three Musketeers double header.

Three Musketeers double header.

For those of you out there that have been searching or waiting for a great film adaptation of Alexandre Dumas’ spectacular adventure novel, The Three Musketeers, I submit you look no further than director Richard Lester’s (A Hard Day’s Night, A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to the Forum, The Bed-Sitting Room, and Superman II) respectful yet rowdy treatment of this classic tale. This version stars Michael York (Romeo and Juliet), Oliver Reed (The Devils), Christopher Lee (The Lord of the Rings), Faye Dunaway (Network), Raquel Welch (One Million Years B. C.), Frank Finlay (The Pianist), Richard Chamberlain (King Solomon’s Mines), Geraldine Chaplin (Doctor Zhivago), Charlton Heston (Planet of the Apes), Roy Kinnear (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory), Spike Milligan (Life of Brian) and more!

Oliver Reed (Athos), Michael York (D'Artagnan), Frank Finlay (Porthos), Richard Chamberlain (Aramis).

Oliver Reed (Athos), Michael York (D’Artagnan), Frank Finlay (Porthos), Richard Chamberlain (Aramis).

As a big fan of the book, I was delighted when I was introduced to Richard Lester’s The Three Musketeers (1973) and The Four Musketeers (1974) several years ago. The film divides the story up into two movies in order to fit in the whole expansive story (and not near as gratuitous as The Hobbit). Both films really work together (and independently for that matter). The Three Musketeers and The Four Musketeers follow Dumas’ storyline extremely closely, but remain somehow unique and different. The marvelous cast and rambunctious script almost seems to be taking cues from Vaudeville or Monty Python at times with its quick, sharp-tongued wit and sly slapstick. Fans of director Richard Lester will notice his unmistakably wild trademark style.

Spike Milligan tries to reload his old gun to save his wife, Raquel Welch, from Christopher Lee.

Spike Milligan tries to reload his old gun to save his wife, Raquel Welch, from Christopher Lee.

The first leg of the series, The Three Musketeers (1973), follows the adventures of young D’Artagnan (York), the head-strong country bumpkin who accidentally makes friends with Musketeers Athos (Reed), Aramis (Chamberlain), and Porthos (Finlay), falls in love with the lovely Constance de Bonacieux (Welch), and makes powerful enemies in Rochefort (Lee), Cardinal Richelieu (Heston), and the seductive Lady de Winter (Dunaway).

3 musk2

Finlay tosses a ball before an unimpressed Chamberlain.

Constance, a servant of Anna of Austria (Chaplin)—bride of the oblivious French King Louis XIII (Jean-Pierre Cassel)—requests D’Artagnan to retrieve Anna’s jewels from her secret lover, the English Duke of Buckingham (Simon Ward), in order to prevent Richelieu from unveiling the scandal to the King. Richelieu sends Lady de Winter to apprehend the jewels first in order to shame the Queen. The whole first film revolves around this one task, but it is so jam-packed with fantastic costumes, hilarious dialogue, daring chases, and spectacular sword-fights that the whole 1600s European political intrigue has to try and keep up with the anarchic exuberance of the rest of the movie. When I say this, I mean it as a good thing. This film is the ultimate period adventure show.

The diabolical duo of Lee and Dunaway.

The diabolical duo of Lee and Dunaway.

The second film, The Four Musketeers (1974), although just as rowdy and fun as the first, gets a little more serious and darker. The plot gets more serious too. War has hit France. Constance has been kidnapped by Rochefort. Cardinal Richelieu, in an effort to usurp the efforts of D’Artagnan (now a Musketeer), sends the evil Lady de Winter to entice him and assassinate the Duke of Buckingham (but soon her true colors and dark past with Athos are revealed and she will have to use all of her cunning to save her own skin). Lady de Winter then wants to kill D’Artagnan and Constance. The stakes are higher, the plot thickens, and the political intrigue is more intriguing. Blackmail and battle are just two of the many dishes this sumptuous sequel dishes up. The sword-fights are no less impressive and have even more pathos this time around. Emotions run high and the suspense keeps building until the explosive sword-clanging finale, making this a satisfying conclusion to one of the best adventure stories.

Reed means business.

Reed means business.

(There is a third film, The Return of the Musketeers, that Lester directed in 1989 with most of the original cast based loosely on Dumas’ Musketeer sequel, Twenty Years After. Although not a bad film it is not essential viewing).

The bunch enjoys some stolen food. Long-suffering servant, Roy Kinnear sits on the floor.

The bunch enjoys some stolen food. Long-suffering servant, Roy Kinnear sits on the floor.

As a big fan of action, adventure, and humor these two films are pretty irresistible to me and I strongly recommend you see them for yourself. If you like ornate costumes, swashbuckling adventure and irreverent slapstick, watching great actors having fun, and wonderful characters come to life with energy and life then look no further than The Three Musketeers and The Four Musketeers. There is much to love about the story already, and seeing it done right with an extra dose of bawdy humor is just the icing on the cake. Find them today and watch the ultimate swashbuckling adventure. This is by far the best adaptation I’ve encountered.

A frustrated Heston considers how to deal with Michael York.

A frustrated Heston considers how to deal with Michael York.

Originally published for “The Alternative Chronicle” Sept. 21, 2009