I watched too many movies. Some schlocky. Some great. Some great schlock.
20. Despite a young Kristin Davis looking like one of the Chipettes, Doom Asylum (1987) is ultimately a bit of a disappointing bore. A disfigured maniac murders a bunch of horny teens, but it tries to be a farce about it. Bad jokes and utter tensionlessness made me struggle to get with this slasher’s tone. I wished this had been a bad straight horror rather than a bad comedy.
19. Set on a lonely, windswept beach somewhere, a woman confronts an unspoken horror from her past in The Slayer (1982). It has some decent acting from lead actress Sarah Kendall, but ultimately the mystery unfolds too slowly, becomes increasingly silly, and, *KINDA SPOILERS* is not even really solved. At minimum, it’s a windup that goes nowhere and makes no sense. I like the beach house and location featured in this flick, but this one is a bit of a dud.
18. Young Joe Pantoliano and Darryl Hannah feature in this clunky thriller about some young foresters who are plagued by a mysterious and murdery hag that haunts the woods in The Final Terror (1983). It has some better acting than you might expect for this type of movie, but the kills aren’t that memorable (save the very last one which, while completely absurd, is pretty cool) and the script doesn’t have much going for it.
17. There’s a plague sweeping the land and some typical burgomaster village types are worried about a curse placed upon them by a vampiric count they killed in the pre-credits sequence. The Vampire Circus (1972) is coming to town and it is bringing with it all manner of dangerous big cats, dwarf clowns, and blood-sucking travelers. I dig the concept of a circus of vampires, but it doesn’t exactly deliver as much atmosphere as I had hoped. It has its fair share of sexy bits and fun sequences so worth checking out for Hammer horror fans.
16. What happens when a ninja attacks a bunch of rich randos on a golf course and is then gunned down by the cops in a hail of bullets but then he still gets away only to meet an electrician up a telephone pole and with his dying breath bestows to her a sword to which he binds his ghost so that he can exact revenge on the cops who killed him for murdering randos, but then the girl he possesses through his ninja sword is also dating one of the cops who killed him? You get the incomprehensible nonsense that is Ninja III: The Domination (1984). It’s pretty hilarious and fun if you’re into that sort of thing.
15. This one might be a hard one to recommend, but if you have the stomach for a plotless voyage through dark waters and a fish’s eye view of life on a fishing boat then Leviathan (2012) is the documentary you’ve been waiting for. Be prepared to get seasick.
14. Chow Yun Fat gets mixed up with a mysterious girl and an ancient evil in Witch from Nepal (1986). This is a cute romantic adventure with plenty of silly jumping around and fights and one really hot love scene in the rain. Emily Chu plays the adorable witch who tries to enlist the man’s help to stop an evil wizard.
13. Schlock factory, Ted V. Mikels, begins a series of sequels to his 1968 sci-fi flick (which I have yet to see) with Mark of the Astro-Zombies (2002). This was such a low-budget, amateurish production that we found it captivating. A lot of older actors – which adds to the weird atmosphere. The story barely matters. Aliens are trying to kill people with machete-wielding robot men or whatever. None of this matters. But there was one older villainess who captured our hearts. She commanded the screen in such a way that made you realize she used to be somebody and was 100% aware of what she was doing and what type of movie she was in. This was our introduction to Tura Satana, a buxom pulp actress with a tough no-nonsense attitude. This led us to watch another film that will appear on this list. As for Astro-Zombies. It’s bad. But you know me. I like bad sometimes.
12. I’ve never seen Paddington, but I did watch some of the old show and Paddington 2 (2017) was highly recommended. It’s cute and sublime and reminds you that movies can have positive morals about being peaceful and kind and always looking for the good in people and how one person (or bear) can change the mood of a whole community simply by being kind. Paddington is wrongfully accused of burglary and winds up in the slammer while his family on the outside tries to clear his name. Brendan Gleason, Hugh Grant, Sally Hawkins, and the whole cast all bring wonderful notes to this adorable yarn that will make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
11. Cue the synthesizer. Brain Yuzna directs this wacky, gore-filled sequel to the Dr. Herbert West (Jeffrey Combs) saga. Bride of Re-Animator (1989) may not be as wry as the first Stuart Gordon film and its budget may highlight how much it pales in comparison and scope to the film to which it is pays homage, Bride of Frankenstein (1935), but the wild, stitched-together creatures of Dr. West’s experiments are so insane and imaginative that one can easily enjoy it for the silly horror romp it is. It’s got enough fun ideas going for it to keep it engaging until the monster-filled finale.
10. Whatever happened to Robert Townsend? Anyways… writer/director/producer/actor, Robert Townsend’s Hollywood Shuffle (1987), in many ways, is a lot like what Spike Lee was trying to do with Bamboozled as well as being a bit of a parody precursor to Weird Al’s UHF. Townsend’s film is breezy and fun, but it skewers the Hollywood landscape of limiting Black actors to playing slaves, pimps, and hoods. With strong influences from sketch comedy, this farce lampoons sitcoms, popular movies, commercials, and a famous film critic duo all through its wacky, satirical lens.
9. Charlie Kaufman movies always require a bit of unpacking. I’d rather not spoil any of the weirdness or surprises or hidden meanings to his latest work, I’m Thinking of Ending Things (2020), but I will say I found it both fascinating and maddening. A woman (played wonderfully by Jessie Buckley) is visiting the parents of her new boyfriend (Jesse Plemons) during a snowstorm. But this is Kaufman we’re talking about so it’s really not about that at all. Memory, perception, time, point of view, dream, and regret all fold back in on each other like a surreal origami depiction of depression. David Thewlis and Toni Collette play the parents.
8. For bad cinema to be truly remarkable, it needs that cringe-worthy hubris pulsing through every frame. The Room is remembered so fondly not just because it is an epically bad movie, but because Tommy Wiseau’s singular delusion and seeming lack of introspection. The Black Ninja (2003) follows in this tradition with Clayton Prince being our self-indulgent star and auteur. By day he is a seemingly unscrupulous yet undeniably talented defense attorney for gangsters. But you see, he only defends them so well to highlight the problems inherent in the criminal justice system. By night, he’s a ninja who maims the criminals he’s spent all day defending. And whenever he’s not onscreen, characters both good and evil cannot stop talking about how unparalleled and awesome he is. It is very bad and I loved it. This movie is hilarious.
7. Guy Pearce and Robert Carlyle square off in Antonia Bird’s Ravenous (1999). A starving and frostbitten traveler (Carlyle) happens upon a snowbound military outpost and recounts to them a horrifying tale of homesteaders forced to cannibalism. Things get increasingly grisly from there as the curse of Wendigo is unleashed and the characters’ sanity is tested. It’s a clever bit of frontier horror that compares an unquenchable hunger for human flesh to the western expansionist ideology of Manifest Destiny. The good direction and a solid cast are only enhanced to absurd heights with the help of the twangy, unsettling, and darkly comical score composed by Damon Albarn and Michael Nyman.
6. This was always on TV when I was a kid. Eddie Murphy is Prince Akeem of Zamunda in Coming to America (1988), directed by John Landis. He journeys to Queens with his servant, Semmi (Arsenio Hall) to find a wife who has brains and is independent and will not simply worship him because he is royalty. Classic fish-out-of-water comedy ensues with Murphy and Hall also playing multiple roles as some of the seedy denizens of the wintry New York neighborhood. It’s an iconic comedy film for good reason. And James Earl Jones is the embodiment of regal as the King of Zamunda. What an absolutely commanding presence. Some great, long cinematic Landis gags as well.
5. I’m a simple man. I like my comedies scary and my horror funny. This next flick is The Stepford Wives with a heavy dose of surreal sketch comedy sensibility. Directors Jocelyn DeBoer and Dawn Luebbe present life in the suburbs as a absurd nightmare of social games and backstabbing in Greener Grass (2019). When Jill (DeBoer), in a moment of overly generous haste, lets her neighbor, Lisa (Luebbe), have her baby, a sequence of increasingly ridiculous social faux pas and weird occurrences cause her worldview to crack. This is a ballsy and funny comedy with a hypnotic aesthetic and hilarious cast.
4. Took me long enough. I finally watched George A. Romero’s sequel to Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead (1978). As much as I love Night and Dan O’Bannon’s Return of the Living Dead, this might be my new favorite zombie flick. Zombies, for me, work best when they present bleak social commentary and a grim sense of humor. A random group of people hideout in a mall to gather supplies, but the walking dead and roving biker gangs don’t make life in this apocalyptic hell much easier. This movie ticks a lot of boxes for me and has a pitch perfect tone. Glad I saw it at last.
3. My favorite Ken Russell film is also his most daring and controversial. I saw The Devils (1971) years ago and thought I should revisit it with fresh eyes. It is one wild ride. Famously banned in multiple countries and notoriously difficult to find, The Devils chronicles the fate of a small French towns walls in 17th century France. It’s a vast political chess game for power, but most of the drama centers around a libertine priest (Oliver Reed in one of his best roles), the deformed nun (Vanessa Redgrave in what might be one of her best roles) who lusts after him from the shadows, and the nightmarish witch-hunt that sends the cathedral into debauchery and insanity. The Devils is unapologetic and aggressive and justifiably controversial (even today), but it is such a devastating and powerful film about corruption, penance, martyrdom, church and state, and the complexities of human desire that I do recommend it to those who are interested.
2. Descend into the world of Filipino kid gangs in Khavn De La Cruz and Norman Wilwayco’s Mandomanila (2010). It’s an abrasive crime drama loaded with comedy, break-dancing, and rap. Just because half the folks in the slum are pimps, prostitutes, and pedophiles, doesn’t mean you can’t have a good time. This movie is City of God on crack.
1. We fell in love with Tura Satana in Ted V. Mikels’ Z-grade sci-fi flick, Mark of the Astro-Zombie, and so we had to see more. I’ve been familiar with Russ Meyer’s name, but I’d never seen any of his work. He’s a pretty infamous independent filmmaker best known for casting women with huge breasts. Naturally, I had written him off as an artist. I can’t speak to his other work, but Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! (1966) is a raw, stylistic bit of pulp awesomeness. Three rebellious go-go dancers (Tura Satana, Haji, and Lori Williams) go to the desert to race cars, but tough-as-nails Varla (Satana) beats a man to death for like no reason so they hit the road with the victim’s unconscious girlfriend until a gas station attendant tells them that an old recluse (Stuart Lancaster) has a fortune hidden somewhere. The deadly trio take a detour to see if they can con the man and his two adult sons out of the money. Every scene is golden. This is pulp and it knows it. Gleefully sleazy, yet somehow a tasteful morality tale that is way more clever and well-acted than you might expect. It could be said that the women are on display simply for the male gaze (and, yeah, there’s definitely that), but the women own their sexuality so hard that I’d argue it’s pretty empowering and subversive for the time. Or maybe it’s a fetish piece. Either way, I dug the cast, cinematography, plot, and cars.
This Won't Be For Everyone 