First off, shout out to my girls: Mubi, Tubi, and Criterion. Y’all never stop delivering.
28. A British reality show where a random group of ladies have to survive a night in a mansion full of dinosaurs? That’s a schlocky enough premise that it should just be marvelously stupid fun. Alas, Dinosaur Hotel (2021) is just boring at best and cringingly irritating at worst.
27. The CGI in Dinosaur Hotel got me down, so I opted for an old fashioned Italian B-movie creature-feature with practical puppet effects. The crocodile itself in Killer Crocodile 2 (1990) is pretty fake looking but kind of neat all the same. The movie is slow, and while not it’s not very interesting or well shot, there is a scene where a couple of canoes full of kids and nuns gets attacked.
26. For the first 10 minutes or so, we thought Vicious Lips (1986) was going to be the spaced out Rocky Horror Picture Show style rock opera camp extravaganza we were hoping for. It quickly devolves into the movie just sort of killing time to reach the feature-length target time. It has some truly epic hair, but the real crime is that there weren’t more songs. A lot of tedium could have been forgiven had they actually made a musical out of this.
25. Without the presence of the unabashedly flamboyant Dennis Rodman, Double Team (1997) would just be another forgettable Jean-Claude Van Damme movie. It’s pretty dumb, but there are a few good action scenes and I’m pretty sure this is the only finale (SPOILER) that blows up Mickey Rourke as he’s being attacked by a tiger.
24. Sybil Danning sports one of the tackiest pieces of clothing ever made in Fred Olen Ray’s The Phantom Empire (1988). Some dopes go into the Adam West bat-cave and stumble upon a secret world that has mutants, dinosaurs, and scantily clad cavegirls. Why does Russ Tamblyn always get special billing in everything?
23. We watched Venom (1981) because it had Oliver Reed and Klaus Kinski – two famously massive egos with a penchant for alcoholism and violent tantrums respectively. Alas, the movie is a bit miscast and silly and ends up just being a boring hostage story but with the inexplicable inclusion of a highly venomous black mamba on the loose in the house. It’s less Snakes On a Plane and more *bong rip* what-if-Dog-Day-Afternoon-had-a-snake-in-it? Sterling Hayden is looking a bit grizzled, but clear-voiced Nicol Williamson provides a bit of a dramatic center as the police chief in the second half. Poor Susan George gets a pretty gnarly death scene.
22. Jordan Peele’s work will forever be compared to Get Out. Us (2019) boasts some nice cinematography and a stellar performance from Lupita Nyong’o as a woman returning with her new family to a location that has haunted her for years. It’s got a weird sci-fi twist and a lot of muddled metaphor and the movie spends way too much time providing lengthy expository monologues that attempt to explain and lend coherence to the mechanics of how the twists and reveals actually work… which end up leaving more questions, bogging the whole plot down with being too literal. It’s not scary, but it is confusing. There are few cool ideas that I wish the story had focused on a bit more. The muddled metaphor also feels a little lost in the movie’s need to explain everything to death.
21. An immortal witch with bleached hair walks around and collects victims for her weird rituals in Necropolis (1986). It’s ridiculous, but kind of awesome. The production value is low, but my brain would not have accepted the higher budgeted version of this.
20. I miss movies that get so specific about a town and a line of work the audience might be unfamiliar with that you start to find the characters in rooms and spaces you absolutely cannot identify, but you know it’s not set dressing; it’s just a place they found. My Bloody Valentine (1981) is a Canadian horror flick about a ghost coal miner seeking revenge. Points for being near a mine and building a movie around it, and points for some creative kills, and being maybe the only Valentine’s Day slasher movie(?). SPOILER: I kind of wish the antagonist was actually supernatural and not just the Scooby-Doo style reveal we get.
19. Ray Harryhausen stop-motion dinosaurs and Raquel Welch in a fur bikini are reasons to see this hokey Hammer production. One Million Years B.C. (1966) may not be exactly historically accurate, but credit for being a wordless drama about the lives of early hominids…who are very well shaven. When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth is another film in the same vein, but none can hold a candle to the more grounded Jean-Jacques Annaud silent neanderthal epic, Quest for Fire.
18. Lamberto Bava’s Demons (1985) is a schlocky good time. People get invited to a mysterious movie screening and then audience members start turning into demons. It starts fast and doesn’t stop, complete with a sword-wielding motorcycle chase.
17. I enjoy pool. I like a cool underdog story. I love hypnotic Christopher Walken monologues. Poolhall Junkies (2002) hits a lot of familiar sports movie beats, but it’s slick and quick and has a few cute tricks. Even if pool isn’t your thing, it’s worth it for the few scenes Christopher Walken gets to chew to bits. Rod Steiger and Chazz Palminteri co-star.
16. This Serbian-Croatian production is a folk horror set in the late 1800s. Lepterica (1973) is the story of a flour mill in a tiny village that is being hassled by a vampiric ghoul from beyond the grave. While light on actual scares, what makes this one engaging is the fun dynamics between the village folk and some of their approaches to attempt to deal with the monster.
15. Albert Finney is Tom Jones (1963), a gallivanting bastard and cad in jolly old England, canoodling his way into the skirts of every dame that tickles his fancy. It’s classic sex comedy hijinks, made more interesting by its 18th century rules and setting. It’s cheeky editing and narration also gives it a touch of whimsy and buoyancy, and, if you’re a bit drunk, you might even forget to unfavorably compare it to Stanley Kubrick’s superior Barry Lyndon.
14. Josef von Sterberg’s steamy and ponderous romantic melodrama takes place a sultry, imaginary version of Morocco (1930) that never existed. Marlene Dietrich is an emotionally detached vaudevillian drifter who finds herself performing in a smoky Moroccan night club for the entertainment of foreign legionnaires (like equally aimless Gary Cooper) and mysterious millionaires (like Adolphe Menjou). It’s a sleepy sort of love triangle that never moves too quickly and always sort of feels like a dream. Everyone is running away from something. They’ve given up on hope, but still have the pangs of romantic yearnings deep within them that cause them to make seemingly erratic decisions. It’s slow, and it’s no Shanghai Express or Casablanca, but it’s worth it for the moody sets and Dietrich’s tuxedo.
13. Ken Russell is responsible for some of the most insane and fascinating movies out there: Lisztomania, The Devils, Women in Love, Altered States, Gothic, Tommy, etc. Lair of the White Worm (1988) is his drunken wackadoo take on a B-movie, I suppose. An immortal snake woman (delectably played by Amanda Donahoe who is giving her hammy dialogue 110%) is collecting virginal sacrifices to feed to a phallic snake demon (there’s a lot of phallic imagery in this one). It’s absolutely bonkers and boasts some wild hallucination sequences and a very young Hugh Grant and an even younger looking Peter Capaldi. Is it good? Who’s to say? It’s pretty damn fun though. There were bold choices that had us cackling and falling out of our chairs.
12. I never saw Weird Al Yankovic’s cinematic opus until now. Without the filter of nostalgia, I still enjoyed the gentle oddball comedy of UHF (1989). A nerd (Yankovic) realizes his dream of running a local TV station and discovers a hidden talent in a dimwitted janitor (Michael Richards). It’s cute and a nice slice of TV history, and goes down almost as smooth as David Byrne’s True Stories. Weird Al fans should definitely check it out if, like me, they somehow missed this one when they were kids. Would have loved a few more Weird Al songs in it though.
11. Frank Henenlotter turns his eye to the streets with Frankenhooker (1990). It’s a Troma film, so it is excessive, but still softer and more whimsical than Henenlotter’s Basket Case. An extremely superficial man’s wife dies tragically in a freak lawnmower accident. He’s also a bit of an amateur mad scientist so he takes this opportunity to reconstruct her entire body and design it to his own specifications. He develops crack that explodes prostitutes and then builds his perfect woman out of their parts. The movie is silly and goofy enough, but once the eponymous Frankenhooker herself appears, the movie just becomes so much more fun. It’s a movie that keeps topping itself with insane sequences and bizarro ideas, but the real star is Patty Mullen as the wife who finds herself a reanimated zombie girl channeling the thoughts of several sex workers. It’s a wonderful performance and the amount of fun she seems to be having is infectious.
10. Paul Thomas Anderson’s latest flick is a breezy and fun romantic drama that meanders through the 70s. Licorice Pizza (2021) is the story of a teen entrepreneur and hustler named Gary Valentine (Cooper Hoffman) as he woos an older girl, the 25 year old Alana (Alana Haim). This will-they/won’t-they was much more affecting than in a typical romantic comedy, and it just looks and feels great. Also features Tom Waits, Sean penn, Bradley Cooper, Benny Safdie, Harriet Sansom Harris, Maya Rudolph, John Michael Higgens, and Skyler Gisondo.
9. It’s interesting the movies I find myself returning to again and again. Takashi Miike’s oddball black comedy musical, The Happiness of the Katakuris (2001), is just so sweet and weird and comforting, that it keeps calling me back. A Japanese family starts a bed and breakfast in the countryside, but when their first customers tragically die, the family bands together to hide the bodies to avoid bad publicity.
8. If you’re not already on board with Guy Maddin’s esoteric sensibilities, then Brand Upon the Brain! (2006) might not convert you. However, if you jive with his unique brand of avant-garde surrealist humor, then buckle up for a weird journey through memory, trauma, longing, and lighthouses. I may be partial to My Winnipeg, but this one deserves the praise.
7. This one is a vibe. Air Conditioner (2020) is a dreamy Angolan drama that follows a man on a mission to acquire an air conditioner for his boss in a city plagued by a mysterious calamity: air conditioners keep falling out of windows and smashing onto the ground. This one is chill and great for its colors and atmosphere.
6. Robert Pattinson shines as a greasy bank robber who loves his mentally challenged brother and has one night to find bail money after a robbery goes awry in the Safdie Brothers’ Good Time (2017). It’s colorful and kinetic and the ticking clock builds tension. It may not be a good time for the protagonists, but it’s definitely a great bit of anxiety-inducing filmmaking.
5. Film restoration is important. It preserves amazing works of art, powerful political statements, and cultural time capsules that would otherwise be lost to history. And God bless Vinegar Syndrome for seeking to give an unfinished Z-grade kung-fu movie the royal treatment. New York Ninja (1984) had to be cobbled together and rewritten and re-dubbed decades after it was abandoned. The movie makes very little sense, but it looks great and it’s wonderful batshittery of a lost version of New York City where a man can witness his hot wife get stabbed to death on the streets, on his birthday no less, and use his birthday swords (and occasionally roller skates) to become the most conspicuous ninja vigilante alive. It’s chef kiss levels of lunacy and juvenile action and we absolutely loved it.
4. I keep giving Mae West more chances, and I’ve only been rewarded. I was lukewarm on My Little Chickadee, but I enjoyed She Done Him Wrong. With I’m No Angel (1933), I can officially say I am a fan. This sassy, smarmy, and oh-so-horny queen slays every scene with equal parts entendre and shade. West is Tira, a gold-digging circus performer who uses her sexuality to get the finer things in life from amorous men. That is, until she meets Cary Grant and actually, against everything she believes, falls in love. The last act is a literal trial where West basically lays out her case to the audience justifying why she is the way that she is. If Groucho Marx is Bugs Bunny, Mae West is Bugs Bunny in drag. Such a shame the Hays Code put an end to her reign.
3. Classic reggae stars populate the half-documentary world of Rockers (1978). This Jamaican musical film takes you through the neighborhoods of Kingston and into the life of Horsemouth (Leroy Wallace), an aspiring musician who gets his motorbike stolen and tries to get it back or get revenge. Wall to wall music and immersive cinematography make Rockers a must see. I dug this more than The Harder They Come.
2. Unrelenting visions of suffering unfold as we follow an assassin on an unknown mission deep into the mechanical and fleshy levels of what is perhaps the most ghoulish hellscapes ever filmed. This is the next logical step beyond The Secret Adventures of Tom Thumb and a Tool music video. Special effects pioneer Phil Tippett spent 30 years putting his depression, his darkest visions, and his demons on screen for Mad God (2021). This film truly embodies the spirit of “This Won’t Be For Everyone”. It’s disgusting and monstrous, but also cathartic and beautifully crafted. At points we laughed because the film was not without moments of macabre levity, but also we laughed at the utter bleakness and horrific depths Mad God wanted to take us. In addition to loving the painstaking art of stop-motion, I also love this type of story; one that is less preoccupied with plot and characters, and more concerned with slowly revealing the mechanics and complex ecosystems of a fantasy world concocted out of someone’s warped imagination. Mad God is cryptic and grotesque and many will probably come away with different interpretations. Many will hate it. Personally, for me, I just wish the whole thing had been maquettes and puppets because the few human actors kind of broke the spell a bit (although Repo Man director Alex Cox plays one of the live people, weirdly). It’s one hell of a journey and it will haunt you and make you feel things. Inventive brutality and cosmic visuals aside, Dan Wool’s score must also be recognized. The music doesn’t hold your hand either, but it is powerful and majestic, like a grim cowboy dirge.
1. I’ve seen Ed Wood (1994) a million times and I will see it a million more. It’s a masterpiece. It’s one of the best movies about Hollywood history; one of the best movies about making movies; Tim Burton’s best film by miles; and one of the best movies of the 90s. Tim Burton’s biopic on the cross-dressing man who was once considered the worst director of all time is so funny, so tender, so gorgeously shot, and gushing with deliriously misguided optimism (despite the real life tragedies of the actual people depicted). Hollywood misfits rejoice. Stefan Czapsky’s sumptuous black-and-white cinematography, Howard Shore’s bold but sensitive score, and Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski’s hilarious and touching script all work together so well. And the cast! Johnny Depp, Martin Landau, Sarah Jessica Parker, Bill Murray, Jeffrey Jones, Patricia Arquette, Lisa Marie, and more give it their all.
SHORTS
The Showman (1970) is a short documentary about a carnival barker and performer who (along with his wife) take in runaway girls so that they can strip nude and be part of their knife throwing act.
What a voice. Lonnie Holley’s musical world is cacophonous and full of soul. I Snuck Off The Slave Ship (2019) combines afro-futurist surrealism alongside haunting sounds that seem to echo deep into the past and future. I also highly recommend the music video for Lonnie Holley’s I Woke Up…
Based on a children’s story by Russell Hoban, The Marzipan Pig (1990) is a cozily animated short directed by Michael Sporn and narrated by Tim Curry. It chronicles the crisscrossing lives of a candy pig, the mouse that eats him and falls in love with a grandfather clock who doesn’t appreciate her until she’s gone, an owl that falls in love with a taxi cab light, and other curious characters. Life goes on without you; a heartening and mature message for any age.
This Won't Be For Everyone 