Last Few Movies LIV: Here We Go Again

Look. Not everything in here is good. In fact, a lot of it isn’t. BUT, all of them have at least some redeeming qualities, and I found something to enjoy in each and every one of them. And some of it’s great! That’s why we do this. As always, in order of how much I dug it.

23. I like Stuart Gordon. He’s the depraved guy behind schlocky masterpieces like Re-Animator, From Beyond, Castle Freak, Robot Jox, Dagon, and, weirdly, the story for Disney’s Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Space Truckers (1996), a sci-fi comedy starring Dennis Hopper and Stephen Dorff, is easily the worst thing he’s done that I’ve seen. It’s a little too colorful and goofy and no real sense of danger. Hopper feels too old and just generally miscast as the lead, really pulling an already obnoxious looking movie down several more pegs. Most of the comedy falls flat. The pluses: some fun miniatures and effects; derivative but practical evil robots army; Debi Mazar is in a space brassiere almost the whole movie; and Charles Dance appears to be having fun as a villainous cyborg.

22. I appreciate a solid single location flick (this list will have a few more of those). The Pool (2018) is a Thai survival horror about a dude who finds himself stuck in an empty pool for several days with no food, his severely injured girlfriend, and a crocodile that escaped from a zoo. That’s a fun premise and, while not all bad, it really rests on characters making some dumb decisions to get into that premise. Wished it was a little crazier.

21. Finally saw the notoriously bad Tank Girl (1995). I absolutely loved the first 45 minutes or so. It’s so over-the-top and stylized, I lamented that more graphic novel adaptations were not as fearless and unabashed. Lori Petty’s Tank Girl is like a proto-Margot-Robbie-Harley-Quinn, but more of a badass than a ditz; Malcolm McDowell is a standard businessman bad guy but brings campy gravitas; and Naomi Watts is a mousey introvert who goes along for the ride. There’s some kickass animated sequences and wild comic book action… and then… oh boy… the kangaroo people show up. That’s when the movie starts to suck. The story goes completely off the rails, things stop making sense, the stakes are chucked to the wind, and I absolutely despised just looking at these repulsive hairless kangaroo monstrosities (which I’m sure were very expensive). Ice-T, even buried under the most upsetting full-body makeup, plays it so stone-facedly, no-nonsense straight that it’s kind of amazing.

20. Terry Gilliam’s first movie foray outside of Monty Python was Jabberwocky (1977), a film I thought deserved a second chance. It has a rich visual style that Gilliam would perfect throughout the 80s, but most of the cartoon style violence comes off as more interesting than funny. The way the plot becomes very complicated and gets sidetracked by the politics and socioeconomic situations of the kingdom, but in a distant, mocking sort of way reminded me of Terry Pratchett. It’s not a great film, but it has a few moments. Sadly, the eponymous Lewis Carroll creature is the least present and least interesting aspect of the film. I do believe a movie could be made out of Carroll’s nonsense poem, but this doesn’t feel like the one. Check it out to see early Gilliam finding his voice independent from the Python crew.

19. Everyone seemed to hate Adam McKay’s Don’t Look Up (2021). Dr. Strangelove, this is not. As a metaphor for climate change, it’s not a perfect fit and the comedy feels a bit too broad and basic. Think lesser SNL. I do think this is how America would act if there literally was a comet on a collision course with Earth however. Everyone’s made their cases for and against this movie. It’s fine. Some things work. Others don’t. It does have the subtlety of a sledgehammer and most of the characters are impossible to like (I did appreciate Rob Morgan, Jennifer Lawrence, and Mark Rylance’s performances), but I have a hard time completely hating a film that tries to tackle the end of the world (and also dumps on the ego of tech bros with God complexes). It’s always going to have a few moments of humanity peeking through.

18. A couple of old-fashioned southern entertainers and their manager go to a spooky house that has cobwebs, a gorilla, and some dusty old horror actors. I have a lot of questions concerning Hillbillys in a Haunted House (1967). Like why is it “hillbillys” and not “hillbillies”? Was there ever a time where a 90 year old Basil Rathbone appealed to Southerners? Does Boots Malone (Joi Lansing) qualify as a hillbilly? I enjoyed this as a bizarre cultural artifact. It’s dumb and weird and strangely cozy. The songs are not great and it’s depressing seeing old Lon Chaney, Jr. in this, although not as depressing as seeing an even older John Carradine trying so hard with the material. Also features Linda Ho for some reason.

17. I re-watched Walter Murch’s Return to Oz (1985), and I feel just about the same as I did the first time I watched it. Fun puppets and creepiness, but kinda plodding and not particularly magical (especially when compared to 1939’s The Wizard of Oz) and I hate everything about the Wheelers. Reasons to watch it anyway: cool puppets and stop-motion effects, Fairuza Balk’s first movie, the original Tik-Tok.

16. Amir Shervan came to America with a vision: to make the worst American action movies he could. Hollywood Cop (1987) has a lot of the hallmarks we look for in this type of thing (like an infant’s understanding of the mafia, for instance), and it falls above Killing American Style but below Samurai Cop (both Shervan films). Like a lot of movies of this ilk, there’s a cop who doesn’t play by anybody’s rules but his own and the ending is just 30 minutes of incomprehensible gun action that just meanders around stupidly with no sense of geography.

15. L.A. Wars (1994) follows in a similar vein as Hollywood Cop. A lot of the movie is gangs going back and forth killing members of the other gang. There’s also a cop who doesn’t play by anybody’s rules but his own (this time with unnervingly large teeth), who infiltrates the mafia sort of begrudgingly and sort of by accident and it’s all very stupid. Lots of shooting, sex, and car explosions. You will feel the brain cells leaving your body.

14. Zoltan Korda was a Hungarian filmmaker who I was introduced to through his films he made with Indian actor, Sabu (like Thief of Bagdad and Jungle Book). The Four Feathers (1939) is a sweeping epic of British imperialism of how one disillusioned Englishman (John Clements) refuses to take part in it and chooses to go to Egypt and rescue his friend (Sir Ralph Richardson) who has gone blind at the front. In order to do it, however, he goes in disguise as an Egyptian guy. Kinda weird watching a movie that’s sort of trying to fight British imperialism through the power of brownface, but this was the late 30s depicting the early 1900s. If you can get past the stuffy, casual British racism, you might enjoy the peeks into the culture of weird stuffy British militarism. I do actually find that aspect of it fascinating. The movie is colorful and a handsome production, but the only parts I found really fun were C. Aubrey Smith’s portrayal of an old English general bullshitting his way through past battles with the aid of various fruits. It’s very much of a time and a place, and, while I didn’t dislike it, it’s no Life and Death of Colonel Blimp.

13. The Ghost of Peter Sellers (2018) is director Peter Medak’s attempt to salvage some dignity decades after an undercooked comedy was sabotaged by weather, a destructive Peter Sellers, and an incomprehensible Spike Milligan script. I love Spike and Sellers and pirates, and even a few things Medak did, but the footage of the ghosted film looks unwatchably bad. Where I take issue is director Peter Medak’s Eeyore-esque sad-sack routine, trying to gain sympathy from all these old producers and agents he tracks down. Some of them don’t sugarcoat it, and good on them for telling him to get the fuck over it. I just kept thinking, this guy let one failed movie eat at him for years. I feel for the guy. Really. But Werner Herzog or Terry Gilliam would have harnessed that failure into greater resolve. Art is often riddled with failures and successes. Both have to give you the energy to move forward.

12. A guy who looks like Panama Hitler has a gang of embarrassingly dressed goons abduct prostitutes to take to a secret island run by a cult of cannibal monks who eat women to give them the power to summon the ghosts of disgraced warriors in Raw Force (1982). Why does Hitler man do this? Because he trades it for jade, a semiprecious mineral, that he can sell to tourists for dirt cheap. His plan is stupid and needlessly complicated and cruel. But then a boatload of shipwrecked karate champions and Cameron Mitchell washes up and fights for their survival. I’ve made this movie sound way more exciting than it really is. It’s got some fun high kicks and plenty of skin, but the highlight, for me, of this movie is Steve’s birthday party on the ship. It features like 200 new characters who all burn to death when the ship gets attacked. What a crop of wacky faces and personas.

11. Paul Verhoeven’s RoboCop is absolute masterpiece of satire and action. Irvin Kershner’s RoboCop 2 (1990) is a shadow of its predecessor, but it’s still an entertaining watch. Peter Weller is back as the title character but the movie is less concerned with Murphy’s tragic struggle with the loss of his humanity. The real stars of this movie are Dan O’Herlihy’s corporate villain and Phil Tippett’s stop-motion hell-machines are marvelous to look at and the movie does have some laughs as well as copious amounts of bloody squibs. Tom Noonan plays a criminal whose brain gets placed into a massive robot, and it was on the set of this movie where he got inspired to switch gears and eventually write a play that would become a film appearing further down on this list.

10. Chloé Mazlo’s Skies of Lebanon (2020) blends live action, bright color palettes, stage backgrounds, animation, and other whimsically stylized touches to tell the story of a Swiss woman moving to Beirut and falling love and starting a family in the 1950s. When the civil war begins, her perfect life is in peril. It’s a sweet little film with some visual inventiveness to help the heavier subject matter go down easier.

9. I can’t believe I didn’t appreciate Frank Darabont’s adaptation of Stephen King’s The Mist (2007) enough when I first saw it a few years ago. Set and setting, I guess. This time, while I still don’t love that early 2000s sheen, I was totally hooked into the story and the building tension and all the new monsters being introduced. It’s a perfectly structured monster movie, but with the added element of groupthink and human dogma being just as dangerous. After a few years in a global pandemic, I feel this movie that much stronger.

8. I haven’t seen much of Alfred Hitchcock’s later films, so I gave Frenzy (1972). It does have that clunky feeling of a guy who might not be keeping up with the changing face of horror (the man got his start in silent cinema and really hit his stride in the 50s and 60s, but it’s a fun watch as a Hitchcock suspense comedy. This movie does possess a more pronounced perverse glee surrounding the act of murdering women, but the running gag of normal married life being so horrible is a humorous counterpoint.

7. Erin Derham’s documentary on the world of taxidermy, Stuffed (2019), was more elegant and interesting than I was prepared for. It truly captures the complexity and beauty of this unique artform, as well as the various philosophies and approaches to it. More to its credit, for a film about mounting dead animals, it is never morbid or grim.

6. Set in one house on one momentous evening, Sally Potter’s The Party (2017) brings together several great actors and gives them one bombshell after another to react to. It’s a breezy, efficient little dark comedy that’s smartly shot and fun to watch. Starring Timothy Spall, Kristen Scott Thomas, Cillian Murphy, Patricia Clarkson, Bruno Ganz, Emily Mortimer, and Cherry Jones.

5. No one makes love look like such a miserable prison of hormones and happenstance like François Truffaut. Jules and Jim (1962) is a haunting French New Wave classic that starts bubbly and effervescent before descending into the tragedy that is being in love. Beyond the story itself, however, the film’s cheeky style and editing flare give it a life that was altogether new back in the early 60s and still enjoyable to observe now. Today, we take it for granted that some films draw attention to the fact that they are films.

4. Roger Ebert was an important figure to anyone who grew up in the 90s loving movies. This touchingly human portrait the legendary film critic for the Chicago Sun-Times chronicles his life as well as his death in exceedingly immediate fashion. What Steve James’ documentary, Life Itself (2014), does best however, is capture Ebert’s infectious worldview, optimism, and humanity, even in the face of death itself. Ultimately, a life affirming and beautiful tribute.

3. Tom Noonan wrote, directed, and starred in What Happened Was (1994), a wryly humorous and cringey first date drama set in one room. Even though this movie doesn’t have a crocodile in it, I still found it far more captivating than The Pool. It’s painful and funny and frustrating and sad. Noonan is great and Karen Sillas gives a wonderful performance as the woman who invites her coworker over for a date. Joe DeSalvo’s cinematography uses the limited space very well.

2. This next one was tailor-made for me, so I may not be the most reliable person to recommend it, but I immensely enjoyed The House (2022). It’s a creepy and clever international stop-motion anthology film helmed by three different animation teams using different styles so I was doomed to love it. Emma de Swaef & Marc James Roels directed the first segment that chronicles the mysterious origins of the house and the first humans who lived them. The second – and my favorite – segment, directed by Niki Lindroth von Bahr, shows the house in present where a modern rat is trying to sell it while dealing with an encroaching bug problem. The final excursion of the house, directed by Paloma Baeza, is a wistful but more hopeful entry that places the house within the context of climate change. Oh, and everyone is cats in that one.

1. I’ve seen the old silent The Phantom of the Opera (1925) many times, but this was my first time watching with someone who had never seen it, and I was reminded why it’s so great. There is the plus of experiencing an almost 100 year old movie like time travel and observing the different acting styles and film techniques, but the movie itself is fun. The grim, perverse melodrama pulls you in. The lavish sets and creepy atmosphere are sumptuous. But the real star is, of course, Lon Chaney, Sr.’s deranged performance and his amazing makeup (which he did himself). I’m a big fan of Chaney’s acting, and if you’re ever looking for a gateway into silent cinema, horror and comedy are the best entry points.

SHORTS

I’ve never been the biggest fan of Harold Lloyd. Over the Fence (1917) has changed nothing.

Along the Moonbeam Trail (1920) is a fascinating curio about a fantastical voyage involving fairies, airships, and some early stop-motion dino work by Willis O’Brien over a decade before his crowning achievement of King Kong.

Porn back in the day was weird. Anyway. How to Take a Bath (1937).

Hairat (2016) provides a snapshot into one Ethiopian man’s weird 35 year relationship with a pack of hyenas.

Charlie Chaplin plus a doggie? What’s not to love. A Dog’s Life (1918) also has some nice old timey runaway from the cops hijinks.

This German short is allegedly the first documentary on prehistoric life. Fifty Million Years Ago (1925) may be wildly scientifically outdated by now, but it’s a wonderful glimpse into the understanding of paleontology of almost 100 years ago.

My introduction to Niki Lindroth von Bahr (The House) was Something to Remember (2019), a haunting musical about the end of the world and the smallness of our little problems.

Witch Movies for October

Just a few witch movies for the Halloween season.

Witches for Kids!

Jonathan Pryce is Mr. Dark, a mysterious figure who grants your fondest wish…but at a price.

I love a story about a traveling circus that happens to be evil incarnate. Based on a Ray Bradbury novel, this lesser known Halloween flick features Jonathan Pryce as a mysterious warlock ringleader and Jason Robards as an aging father. But Something Wicked This Way Comes (1983) is really all about the kids.

Angelica Huston about to slip into something more comfortable at the witch convention.

For me, Angelica Huston will always be either Morticia Addams or the Grand High Witch from Nicolas Roeg’s adaptation of Roald Dahl’s The Witches (1990). Watch this one again before you see the remake. Some great and creepy Jim Henson creature effects! Also Mr. Bean.

Kiki flies high above her new seaside home.

Hayao Miyazaki makes films that are sublime and fresh and wholly original. Kiki’s Delivery Service (1989) is a charmingly beautiful story about a 13 year old witch in training. Eschewing a few typical witchy tropes, there’s nothing spooky or wicked in this movie.

The fun these ladies are clearly having onscreen is contagious.

Fine. Hocus Pocus (1993) is a glorified Disney Channel movie, but Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy, and Sarah Jessica Parker are a lot of fun as the three witches.

A unique animation style brings this folktale to life.

One more, just because we need more animation. Michel Ocelot’s Kirkou and the Sorceress (1998) is a unique West African adventure about a tiny boy battling a powerful witch.

Witches From Europe

Never underestimate silent films.

The mother of all witch movies has got to be Swedish-Danish silent pseudo-documentary horror flick, Haxan (1922). A bit of history, some gnarly re-enactments, and wild visions of hell. Lick the devil’s butthole and boil up some babies. This is a movie to put on in the background at your Halloween party or turn the lights out and watch attentively.

Joan is shorn in preparation for her execution.

You may think this is a stretch, but she was tried as a heretic and a witch so Carl Theordor Dreyer’s The Passion of Joan of Arc (1928) counts. And it is a mesmerizingly beautiful and tragic film, compassionately depicting the torturous trial and spiritual torment of Joan of Arc (played compellingly by Maria Falconetti). Dreyer would again extend some sympathies to persecuted witches in The Day of Wrath (1943).

Never cross a witch.

A Russian religious scholar tangles with a witch on a fateful cold night and is demanded to hold vigil over her dead body for three nights in Viy (1967), based on a story by Nikolai Gogol. Each night her evil powers grow stronger and she conjures more horrors to plague the scholar. Flying coffins and gargoyles galore!

A villager awaits the devil at a wooded crossroads.

The beautifully shot Estonian folk horror November (2017), directed by Rainer Sarnet, is a sumptuously realized tale with tragedy, humor, and lore to spare. A witch is caught in an unrequited love triangle with a farm boy and a foreign noblewoman.

Miscellaneous

Margaret Hamilton absolutely stealing the show.

Perhaps the most iconic and legendary witch of all time can be found in the Technicolor musical based on the L. Frank Baum novel, The Wizard of Oz (1939). Magic and whimsy aside, the villain and her legion of flying monkeys were spectacularly menacing.

Mia Farrow beholds the unspeakable.

Mia Farrow stars as a woman who dreams she has been impregnated by the Devil in Roman Polanski’s Rosemary’s Baby (1968). As she spirals into paranoia and begins to question her own sanity, the coven of witches next door grows ever closer to their diabolical ends. Also features Ruth Gordon, John Cassavetes, and more.

I know there’s not much love for the oddball Michael Meyers-less Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982), but I kind of love this movie. It’s got haunted masks, evil witchy schemes, and Tom Atkins. Slasher films are a bit boring to me so this was a welcome change of pace for the series.

Robert Eggers’ The Witch (2015) is an eerie slow-burn folk horror that does a pretty good job of recreating the feel of Puritanical life in the 17th century New World frontier. Rich themes of family strain, the forces of evil, and cosmic nihilism. Beautifully shot and deeply unsettling, if you have a taste for witch flicks, this one one should definitely make your list.

Double Feature Remake

Jessica Harper darts around Argento’s funhouse of horror.

Arguably Dario Argento’s Suspiria (1977) is the insane giallo Italian filmmaker’s finest work. It’s wild, weird, and colorful. This phantasmagoric tale of a strange European ballet school operates on pure dream logic and is punctuated by some ridiculous, Rube Goldbergian, splattery kills. And it’s all set to an unyielding, rhythmic musical score by Goblin. Style over substance never looked or sounded so great.

Tilda Swinton instructs Dakota Johnson on how to use her body.

I love the original, but Luca Guadagnino does remakes right with Suspiria (2018). This witchy yarn uses the architecture of the 1977 film to craft a horror that is tonally, stylistically, and thematically different (but in all the best ways). Witch politics and bizarre dance rituals abound. More mature and atmospheric than schlocky and psychedelic, this remake explores its characters and their world more deeply to paint a truly haunting portrait of power shifts and female relationships. Goblin’s bombastic, groovy synth pulse is replaced with melancholic Thom Yorke compositions.

Vampire Movies to Die For

Whether you like your vampires evil, sexy, or ponderous (or bit of everything), here’s a few freaky films featuring blood-sucking monsters I’d like to recommend this October.

Classic Draculas!

Often imitated Hungarian actor, Bela Lugosi, in his most iconic role.

You can’t go wrong with the original 1931 Universal flick directed by Tod Browning and starring the legendary Bela Lugosi. While it has a bit of stiltedness at times (mainly due to it being an early talkie film), the foggy, gothic atmosphere makes it more than worth a watch. Plus some fun performances from Lugosi, Edward Van Sloan (as Van Helsing), and wild-eyed Dwight Frye. The Mexican version shot on the same sets but filmed at night is also worth checking out.

Christopher Lee chewing some scenery.

England’s Hammer Studios produced several horror re-imaginings of classic Universal monsters and their 1958 version of Dracula starring Christopher Lee as the Count and Peter Cushing as Van Helsing is a good place to start. There are several sequels too. Lee and Cushing did several movies together and are always fun to watch.

William Marshall rises for an evening of mayhem.

Weirdly, the blaxploitation retelling borrows the plot of The Mummy to tell its tale. Blacula (1972) is fun and funky and, honestly, no one ever brought more gravitas and regality to the role of the Count than William Marshall.

Gary Oldman licks Keanu Reeves’ blood off a straight razor.

Francis Ford Coppola had a bold vision with 1992’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Utilizing all in-camera special effects, this adaptation returns to the dreamy roots of the 1931 original but with added sex and gore and a bit more sympathy for the eponymous ghoul. A lot of really bad accents and some hammy acting can’t stop this one. Winona Ryder, Anthony Hopkins, and more co-star.

The Gnarled Rodent Count

Max Schreck as the embodiment of the Plague.

F.W. Murnau’s German iteration tried to circumvent copyright issues by calling their vampire Count Orlock, but changed name or not, Nosferatu (1922) was a blatant bit of plagiarism against the Stoker estate. It’s still a solid silent spooky flick though.

Klaus Kinski prepares to snack on Isabella Adjani.

Werner Herzog’s slow and moody take on Nosferatu (1979) is one of my favorite remakes. For my money, the best Draculas ensnare you in a weird, creaking, nightmare and boy does this one do that. Like Coppola instilling more pathos into the classic Dracula, Herzog endows his Nosferatu with an added layer of inner torment and pain. How Herzogian.

Willem Dafoe is Nosferatu! Repeat! Willem Dafoe is Nosferatu!

But what if the guy who played Nosferatu in the silent German movie was so convincing because he in fact was a literal vampire and director Murnau was actually inadvertently making a supernatural snuff film? So posits E. Elias Merhige’s Shadow of the Vampire (2000). It’s a fun premise and has a macabre sense of humor and did I mention Willem Dafoe plays Nosferatu? Also stars John Malkovich, Eddie Izzard, Catherine McCormack, and Udo Kier.

Classic 80s Blood-suckers

Chris Sarandon is a sexy pansexual vampire who will 100% steal your girl.

What do you do if you suspect your new next door neighbor is a vampire? You reach out to local TV horror host (played by Roddy McDowall) to help you slay him, that’s what. Fright Night (1985) doesn’t take itself too seriously, but takes itself just seriously enough to merit a re-watch.

80s movies had the best hideouts.

Plenty of vampire flicks have used vampires as a metaphor for addiction, lust, and wealth. Joel Schumacher’s The Lost Boys (1987) makes them punks. And who could resist the seductive allure of the punk scene in the 80s? Stars Kiefer Sutherland, Jamie Gertz, Corey Feldman, and Corey Haim. Cry little sister.

Twists on the Formula

Czech cinema is something else.

More of a surreal journey through female puberty, but there is a creepy vampire in it. Jaromil Jireš’s Valerie and Her Week of Wonders (1970) is probably the weirdest entry on this list, but it’s worth a look.

An ancient relic holds a dark secret.

Guillermo del Toro knows how to build a mythology and Cronos (1993) does a marvelous job of exploring the price of immortality. Federico Luppi gives such sympathetic performance as the antique dealer who inadvertently unleashes an ancient curse.

If you can get through Quentin Tarantino being on screen for the first bit, you get to watch Harvey Keitel, Fred Williamson, George Clooney, and Tom Savini battle evil.

Robert Rodriguez knows schlock and From Dusk Till Dawn (1996) delivers. It’s unabashedly sleazy and crazy. Some bad acting and questionable casting can’t suck too much fun out of this wild horror thriller. Memorable cameos: Selma Hayek, Danny Trejo, and Cheech Marin.

Nothing like a cold, dark Scandinavian winter to give you chills.

If Twilight‘s summer-winter romance is awkward and problematic then I don’t know what to make out of Tomas Alfredson’s Let the Right One In (2008). But it’s a mature and brilliant riff on the vampire genre.

Too subversive for Iran, it was shot in California.

Ana Lily Amirpour’s A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (2014) is an atmospheric black-and-white modern horror. Like many vampire flicks, it too deals with longing and isolation, but it also has a vampire femme fatale in a chador on a skateboard.

Et Cetera

Del Toro often cited this film as an inspiration.

While not as recognized as Dracula, Carl Theodor Dreyer’s Vampyr (1932) is a lyrical and poetic vision of obsession, death, and vampires. Visually stunning, but what can you expect from the director of The Passion of Joan of Arc?

Forget Mel Brooks’ Dead and Loving It.

Roman Polanski wanted to do an homage to Hammer films and while Fearless Vampire Hunters (1967) isn’t exactly trying to be scary, it’s got some great snowy sets and a fun theme song.

She doesn’t seem to mind being taken out by mid-90s Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt.

Neil Jordan adapts Anne Rice’s novel Interview with a Vampire (1994). It’s long. It’s brooding. It’s sexy. Great costumes. Also stars Kirten Dunst, Antonio Banderas, Stephen Rea, and more

Too bored to prey upon the living.

I like Jim Jarmusch and Only Lovers Left Alive (2013) shows his sardonic style infuses quite well with the vampire genre. Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston are immortal lovers watching the world change.

HISS!!!

Taika Waititi and Jermaine Clement know how innately silly the New Zealand accent is coming out of a vampire’s mouth and What We Do in the Shadows (2014) delivers plenty of laughs while playing with old and new vampire tropes within a mockumentary format.

The Last Few Movies XL – This Won’t Be for Everyone

So here’s the last few movies I saw in the order of how much I liked them.

18. Maybe I’m in the wrong here, but Spasms (1983) was the most boring movie I have seen about a giant snake from hell that possesses people. It has a couple fun moments and some decent gross-out special effects and Oliver Reed is always fun to watch, but it didn’t hold my attention.

17. Director David Zucker (part of the brilliant creative team behind Airplane! and The Naked Gun) teams up with the geniuses behind South Park, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, to deliver a truly embarrassingly unfunny comedy. Maybe if I had seen Baseketball (1998) when I was 10, I would have found it at least somewhat amusing. The tragedy is that bad dramas can be amazing comedies, but bad comedies are just tedious cringe-fests. Still love the creative team behind it though. If you have fond memories of this one, maybe just keep those memories without trying to re-watch it.

16. Issa Rae and Kumail Nanjiani star in the romantic comedy, The Lovebirds (2020). The two leads are talented, but the script here just feels kind of lazy and they don’t have believable chemistry. And it’s not really funny either. Or romantic. I like both actors, but it would have been nice to see them in a better movie.

15. Miracle Man (2013) is an awkward retelling of the gospel of Jesus (at least from his Temptation in the Desert to the Resurrection of Lazarus) set in modern day. It’s got everything you want in a bad movie, but also boasts being what may just be the ugliest film I have ever seen. The framing, lighting, editing, after effects, and incessant use of green screen are painfully abrasive on the senses. There’s several laughs to be had, but not a bad movie I’ll be revisiting anytime.

14. I faced one of my fears and re-watched a film that traumatized me when I was a kid. Forget Left Behind, A Thief in the Night (1972) is the O.G. Rapture nightmare story. The Rapture, for those not raised in an evangelical bubble, is the Christian belief that, in the End Times, all the Christians will be whisked up to Heaven in the twinkling of an eye and then the Tribulation will start – complete with Antichrist and Armageddon, etc. The movie lays out their brand of eschatology several times and was designed to convert teens to its flavor of Christianity. But, surprise, a girl gets left behind and has to endure the world turning upside down after almost everyone she knows gets Raptured. Honest reaction on the re-watch: the title song is still haunting and pretty decent and the bulk of the movie is just kind of boring, but it does pick up in the final act and there is a pretty good twist. It’s a bad movie that spawned two sequels (I recall the middle one being the best, although still pretty bad) and several copycats.

13. If you can sit through 3+ hours of meandering surreal French New Wave silliness then Jacques Rivette’s Céline and Julie Go Boating (1974) is the movie for you. I really enjoyed the 70s fashion, interiors, and stylish shots of Paris, but ultimately found it difficult to follow when almost anything can happen and nothing made sense. There is a bit of a ghost mystery plot that becomes the dominant theme towards the end. That’s something. Not bad, but a bit long, drifting, and maybe not exactly my cup of tea.

12. It’s amazing how fast comedy can age. Sacha Baron Cohen stars as hip-hop enthusiast, misogynist chav, and lovable dolt, Ali G, in Ali G Indahouse (2002). Da Ali G Show was legit great; Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan was groundbreaking; and Brüno was pretty funny too. But what made those things great were the real people caught on camera being awful and awkward, whereas Indahouse is a completely fictional carbon copy of the predictable Happy Madison Productions formula. Tucked away behind some passable to fine gross-out humor is some toothless political satire, but it pales in comparison to the series on which it was based. It still got a few laughs out of me and I’m always happy to see Ali G.

11. Sean Connery stars as a ex-con assembling a crew in the Sidney Lumet heist drama, The Anderson Tapes (1971). I love me some Sidney Lumet. This is the guy behind Dog Day Afternoon, 12 Angry Men, and Network. And I love me some Sean Connery. He can be 007, a renegade Russian submarine captain, and wear a red diaper in Zardoz. Who else has that range? And I absolutely love a good heist movie. And all in all, the movie is fine. It’s fine. It’s a got a good cast, a couple pretty good scenes, and an interesting examination of the rise of surveillance. It’s fine.

10. Legendary bad movie, Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam aka The Man Who Saved the World aka Turkish Star Wars (1982), is a must see for fans of so-bad-it’s-good cinema. I’ve seen this film maybe 5 times  (because I am quite mad, you know) and it’s always a pleasure to spring on some unsuspecting friends. The film is notorious for stealing footage and music from several other films (most noticeably, Star Wars and Indiana Jones) and cobbling together this nonsensical space adventure that boasts a lot of jumping. Highlights include: silly alien costumes; rock punching training montage; a Darth Vader knockoff drinking blood out of children via crazy straw, thus turning them into mummy slaves; a scene where a man melts a giant, golden, spiky sword into a magical cauldron with a human brain and plunges his bare fists into the molten liquid to have them emerge as power gloves.

9. I saw a trailer and read “from the director of Samurai Cop” and “starring Robert Z’Dar” and I was in. Killing American Style (1988) is peak bad late 80s/early 90s action schlock. Bad guys hold up in a mansion until the man of the house finally decides to be the main character in the last 10 minutes. While nowhere near as epic as Amir Shervan’s legendary Samurai Cop, this little flick does have a lot of unintentionally funny bits and it is a lot of fun (if you can get passed all the casual sexual assault typical of the era and genre).

8. I finally saw Ari Aster’s Scandinavian flavored horror flick, Midsommar (2019). Dani (Florence Pugh) winds up tagging along on a trip to Europe with her boyfriend who is too chicken to break up with her. Sweden, magic mushrooms, and creepy cult antics ensue. It’s an effective bit of folk horror that’s ultimately about a breakup. But in the most messed up way. I tend to prefer slow-burn, soul-shattering horror as opposed to jump-scares and gross-out stuff. It’s got a bit of gore and a bit of dark humor and left me feeling suitably creeped out. If you liked the The Wicker Man (the original now) then check this bad boy out.

7. Director Peter Strickland certainly has a style. In Fabric (2018) is the story of a mysterious (perhaps haunted?) dress and how it effects the lives of those who are unfortunate enough to wear it. Similar in style to Strickland’s other film, Berberian Sound Studio, it’s an atmospheric wind up with horror undertones. Marianne Jean-Baptiste gives a great performance as one of the owners of the dress and I love the zany rituals and mechanics of the wacky department store and their hilariously eerie saleswomen (Fatma Mohamed being the stand out). It’s weird and befuddled me at each turn.

6. A landmark of New Queer Cinema, Cheryl Dunye’s The Watermelon Woman (1996) is a breezy Indie romantic comedy that’s also a love letter to film history. When an aspiring documentary filmmaker working at a Philadelphia video rental store (Dunye) chances upon an old 30s melodrama called Plantation Memories, she finds herself captivated by a mysterious actress playing the mammy type role, credited only as “The Watermelon Woman.” She begins to document her investigation into uncovering the lost history of this person, while also juggling her sometimes rocky relationships with her best friend (Valarie Walker) and her new partner (Guinevere Turner). There is a bit of that clunky exposition-laden dialogue common in indie works of the time, but the film is unique and feels like a breath of fresh air. You can tell it is a singular vision (Dunye wrote, directed, and edited it) and it is proudly black and proudly lesbian.

5. This wordless Italian film about life and its interconnected-ness may not be for everyone, but I enjoyed Michelangelo Frammartino’s Le Quattro Voltre (2010). Inspired by an idea pontificated by Pythagoras, the film presents metempsychosis, or reincarnation, in a small village. In four phases, we follow an old shepherd until his death and seeming rebirth as a baby goat who is then becomes a fir tree before being converted into a kiln to make charcoal for the people. Quiet and beautifully shot, it will fill you with a resonating appreciation of life and its many forms…if you let it.

4. Capucine, Jane Fonda, Laurence Harvey, Barbara Stanwyk, and Anne Baxter star in this steamy Great Depression era melodrama, Walk On the Wild Side (1962) directed by Edward Dmytryk. Dove (Harvey), lonesome Texas wanderer, meets a brash, immoral runaway, Kitty (Fonda), on his journey to find his long, lost old flame, Hallie (Capucine), in New Orleans, where, he will learn, she is working as an artist but also a prostitute in the upscale bordello called the Doll House. The actors really lean into the juicy, melodramatic lines and plot. It’s a particular style and probably a little silly for some, but honestly, I enjoyed this tawdry little flick. I could watch French actress, Capucine, sink her teeth into this over-the-top dialogue like it was nothing all day.

3. Hirokazu Koreeda’s drama, Shoplifters (2018), centers around a poor family somewhere in Tokyo who steal what they can to get by. They have their own codes and rules and are united (despite most of them not being exactly related), but, to the outside world, they are criminals who deserve to be punished for their wrongdoings. Shoplifters is a tender and humanizing story and I recommend it.

2. An uptight English professor (Gary Bond) in the middle-of-nowhere Australia gets a Christmas break and winds up stuck en route to Sidney in the podunk desert wasteland of Bundanyabba (locally known as “The Yabba”) in Wake in Fright (1971), directed by Ted Kotcheff. Initially disgusted by the sweaty, uncouth yokels, the out-of-his-depths school teacher quickly descends into drunkenness, gambling, and late night kangaroo hunting. Co-starring Donald Pleasance and Chips Rafferty, this is one wicked nightmare loaded with debauchery, violence, and philosophy only a scorching hellscape like the Outback could produce. I loved it. Other movies where an uptight city guy gets converted to a looser lifestyle I would also recommend: Dino Risi’s Il Sorpasso and Michael Cacoyannis’ Zorba the Greek.

1. If you like your folk horror black and white, Eastern European, and weird as hell, then, please, check out the amazingly beautiful Estonian film, November (2017), directed by Rainer Sarnet. Reminiscent of František Vláčil’s Marketa Lazarová and Parajanov’s Shadows of Our Forgotten Ancestors, November weaves its way through an atmospheric world of folk legend, casual magic, and doomed desire. Oh, and it’s funny too. It’s a wonderfully twisted unrequited love triangle between a simple peasant boy, a wealthy German baroness, and a desperate witch, but it is also about the weird little village of aging oddballs and their ghostly relatives, their various deals with the Devil, their possessed piles of junk that function as slaves, and their battles against the Plague. The cinematography is striking, moody, and utterly sucks you into this dark fairy tale realm that feels extracted from a dream.

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BONUS: Animated Shorts

Most of these can be found on Vimeo! Honestly, check some of these out.

Phenomena Exotica (2020) is a Gilliam-esque examination of synchronicity, directed by Jossie Malis. Similar to the intro to P.T. Anderson’s Magnolia, this sardonic short showcases several curious examples of coincidence and hints at the greater sense of overriding existential dread.

Armstrong (2020) is a hypnotically beautiful story loaded with pleasing shapes, sounds, and colors directed by Russ Etheridge. When the moon disappears, the very fabric of the characters’ reality begins to fall apart and the hero must save herself, her unrequited crush, and the world itself. I absolutely loved the design.

Quaranteen (2020), directed by Gustavo Carreiro, is a black and white and red descent into the pandemic paranoia and an ill-fated booty call that culminates in a showdown between a boy on a bicycle and a giant COVID19 virus and, ultimately, a humorous PSA folk ballad.

P’tit Belliveau – L’eau entre mes doigts (2020) is a music video. But I really just dug the hell out of it. Weird and wonderfully Québecois.

Revenge Story (2019) is the story of a ballerina who gets her neck messed up from a chiropractor’s error. Overcome with rage at her unfair misfortune, the ballerina succumbs to the singularly consuming desire for revenge, which ultimately leads to more hurt instead of the catharsis she seeks. Innovative design and great score.

Analysis Paralysis (2016) is a pretty accurate depiction of anxiety and overthinking, I’d say. This is what it feels like. But what got me was how the protagonist had to look outward to help other people in order to find some peace with his own obsessive compulsiveness.

Wet City (2019) features music and narration by Sean Wing and created by Nick Vokey and Nate Sherman. It is hopefully not-too-prophetic depiction of a distant future where water now covers the Earth and the survivors cling to any semblance of the familiar they can, even if it is befriending a cybernetic vegetarian shark named Horizon. When bad guys ransack a ramshackle apartment complex and sharknap Horizon, our hero sets out on a journey to rescue her and encounters the remaining splintered factions of humanity in this post apocalyptic comedy.

Superbia (2016), by Luca Tóth, is a stunningly gorgeous, surreal, and gleefully psycho-sexual journey into a land of topsy-turvy gender roles and bizarre ritual.

THE LAST FEW MOVIES XXXX – Quarantine: Tokyo Drift

These are the last few movies I watched. Mostly, they were fun. The first two are rough watches, but they still offer unique experiences in their own right. Folks wondering why they can’t find most of these movies on Netflix, might I suggest Criterion streaming, MUBI, and even Kanopy?

A sweeping, costumed spectacle of historical warfare and an impressive wrangling of literally tens of thousands of military extras cannot save the poorly plotted, dramatically dull, and abysmally acted 2+ hour Waterloo (1970) directed by Sergei Bondarchuk and produced by Dino de Laurentiis. The cast is good on paper. Rod Steiger is Napoleon and Christopher Plummer is Wellington, but the bad script and uninspired directing (I hope you like joyless soliloquies filmed six inches from the actor’s eyes) make this a hammy and yawn-inducing slog. Credit where it’s due: the staging of the immense battles is fascinating – if not exactly thrilling or consistently coherent. This Soviet/Italian co-production doesn’t hold a candle to Abel Gance’s 1927 Napoleon. Seriously, watch the silent one instead. The opening snowball fight alone is worth it.

On a technical level, Chester Novell Turner’s fetish-horror flick Black Devil Doll from Hell (1984), is worse than Waterloo. And although it may not feel like it, at 1 hour and 10 minutes, it is mercifully shorter. It’s an amateurish mess, but it is a unique experience. A good, chaste, church-going woman purchases a dreadlocked ventriloquist dummy from a local thrift shop and soon discovers the doll is alive(?), evil, and has the power to awaken her repressed sexually ravenous side. It was a deeply uncomfortable watch and I ended up apologizing to my guests. This one is only for die-hard fans of blaxploitation, weirdo cinema, and so-bad-it’s-questionable movies.

I think this a dead genre. The romantic action comedy. Peak Mel Gibson. Peak Goldie Hawn. And Bird on a Wire (1990) still is a bit too silly for the action to hold any suspense. Gibson plays a regular guy (who happens to be a mechanic, a pilot, a carpenter, an inventor, and an almost unkillable athlete) in witness protection and hunted by bad guys who want to stop him from testifying against them. But then his old flame (Hawn) discovers him at a gas station and gets sucked into car chases, motorcycle chases, helicopter chases, shoot outs, and a grisly action finale in a highly implausible zoo. It’s not as good as Romancing the Stone. Pretty meh actually, but fuck, Mel and Goldie look great and seem to be having fun. Also features David Carradine, Bill Duke, and Stephen Tobolowsky.

I just wanted to watch Al Pacino chew some scenery. I recalled The Devil’s Advocate (1997) being on TV when I was a kid and caught non-chronological snippets of it so had an idea what I was getting into. Keanu Reeves is a Florida lawyer (with a dubious accent) who defends an unrepentant child molester so well that he gets an invitation to go to New York City and work with the big boys. It’s Satan. His new boss is Satan. That’s the movie. The movie itself is kind of dopey, but it has a few good scenes and Pacino plays one hell of a devil. Also features Charlize Theron, Tamara Tunie, and Craig T. Nelson.

Surreal, psychedelic Italian cinema perhaps doesn’t get any more bizarro than Giulio Paradisi’s The Visitor (1979). Casually blending Star Wars and The Exorcist, The Visitor may not be a good movie in the traditional sense, but it is unlike anything you’ve seen (if you discount the previously mentioned two movies and The Omen and The Birds and Wild Beasts and a bad acid trip). A bad girl (Paige Connor) with inexplicable telekinetic powers torments her mother (Joanne Nail) and instigates violence so much that it causes space Jesus (Franco Nero) to send an old man (John Huston) to use the power of birds to stop her. It’s mean and it’s crazy. Also features Lance Henriksen, Shelly Winters, Mel Ferrer, Glenn Ford, and Sam Peckinpah.

Film enthusiast and director, Peter Bogdanovich, slams together two different movies in Targets (1968). The parallel narratives follow an aging horror movie icon who feels like an obsolete relic (respectfully cast to legend, Boris Karloff) and a young man who gets “funny ideas” that ultimately lead him to go on a slew of murder sprees. The movie juxtaposes camp horror fantasy thrills with the real life horrors of American gun violence. And it is chilling. The tone shifting may feel a bit off kilter, but maybe that’s the point. Watching this movie in 2020, after growing up in a country seemingly plagued by mass shootings, this film almost feels irresponsible and disrespectful, but perhaps in 1968 this particular flavor of terror was still new.

Regrettably, I spent much of my time watching Kathryn Bigelow’s Near Dark (1987) unfairly comparing it to The Lost Boys. It starts a little slow, but it does pick up and get interesting by the third act. Adrian Pasdar plays a cowboy who gets bit by a strange girl (Jenny Wright) and winds up in a violent, trailer trash vampire clan. It’s honestly worth it just for the novelty of neo-western vampires and a pretty good truck explosion. Also stars Bill Paxton, Lance Henriksen, and Jenette Goldstein.

I remember seeing this a lot as a kid. It was my grandpa’s favorite movie. Grandma hated it. “If I had a husband like that, I’d throw him out the window!” she’d holler. The Out-of-Towners (1970) follows the Kellermans, a simple married couple from Ohio (played expertly by Jack Lemmon and Sandy Dennis) as they descend into the weekend from hell in a manic race to make it to a life-changing job interview in New York City. It’s one of those simple-objective-but-everything-goes-wrong type of anxiety-inducing cringe comedy. Lemmon’s character is such an obnoxious, stubborn, weak, impotent, petty, name-taking asshole that he basically brings each of his misfortunes on himself. His stoic wife is along for the ride, but, while supportive, is a great comic foil. Their dynamic and their calamities feels a little too believable at times, making the comedy darker. If you’re a fan of After Hours, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, etc., check this Neil Simon scripted gem.

Although frequently grotesque and juvenile, The Dictator (2012), directed by Larry Charles and starring Ali G/Borat/Bruno himself, Sacha Baron Cohen, is a great modern comedy. In typical Cohen fashion, it gleefully skewers multiple self-aggrandizing targets with fearless abandon. Aladeen (Cohen) is the deranged tyrant leader of the fictional country of Wadiya. When his uncle (Sir Ben Kingsley) plots to remove him on a trip to the United Nations, the deposed despot winds up penniless and powerless in the streets of New York City. His new humble situation gives him some perspective on the world. But not much. I laughed out loud quite a bit and maybe that is because I, too, am a bad person. Features Anna Faris, Jason Mantzoukas, Bobby Lee, John C. Reilly, Rizwan Manji, Fred Armisen, and more.

Edgar Wright makes fun movies. Baby Driver (2017) is a fun getaway car chase set to fun music. It’s fun. Baby (Ansel Elgort) is a quiet kid, but a highly skilled driver indebted to a gangster (Kevin Spacey). He drives the cars for heists so he can be free, but crime is never that simple. Great action, tension, and performances make this flick a blast to watch. John Hamm, Jamie Foxx, and Eiza González co-star.

After watching Terminator last time, we figured it was time to revisit the legendary sequel, Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991). This is James Cameron’s second best film (Aliens beats it, in my opinion) and a perfect sci-fi action movie. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Linda Hamilton are back, this time teaming up to protect her son (Edward Furlong) from another advanced robot from the future, the T-1000 (Robert Patrick). The special effects still hold up and the action set pieces are fantastically well done. The original Terminator is more of a gritty thriller, while the sequel has a lot more fun with its premise and does a great job of expanding on the lore.

Family has to come to together to help family because family is all family has sometimes. Unfortunately, family is also the worst. The Daytrippers (1997) is an intimate indie road drama about the Malone family as they drive into the city to confront the man who might be cheating on the eldest daughter, Eliza. Warm and perfectly cast and expertly balanced between humor and drama, you’ll probably want to call your parents or siblings after this. The knockout cast includes Hope Davis, Parker Posey, Liev Shreiber, Anne Meara, Pat McNamara, Stanley Tucci, Campbell Scott, Marcia Gay Harden, and others great character actors.

Adam Curtis’s documentary, HyperNormalisation (2016), summarizes several key world events since 1975 in an attempt to explain how we arrived at the current nonsense world in which we live. A global, interconnected domino effect of individual optimism, hubris, and nefariousness. A world  in which we are all, in a way, both victim and perpetrator of our own personal dystopias. It’s a long, depressive journey through banks, politics, and cyberspace and if that’s your idea of a good time, you’re gross. But the movie, I daresay, is an important watch for anyone seeking to contextualize our current climate.

I originally had watched Mamoru Oshii’s Angel’s Egg (1985) years ago and was taken by the beautiful animation and bleak, surreal atmosphere. Watching it again while actively trying to unravel its mysterious symbolism has given me even more appreciation for it. A young girl in a dark and empty city guards a strange egg, meets a soldier, and observes living statues hunt the shadows of giant fish. I’ve heard a few different interpretations, and I’ll let the viewer discover its meaning on their own. It’s weird, but there is a deep poetry to the imagery.

An inherited sword that allegedly proves that the South won the Civil War is taken to a pawn shop and thus begins our journey into a modern analysis of the lies we believe and the confirmation biases we live with. Sword of Trust (2019) kind of surprised me with how clever it was and is a testament to how far you can get with a decent script and a good cast. Very funny, but also quite subtle and tender. It’s on Netflix. Just go watch it. Stars Marc Maron, Michaela Watkins, Jillian Bell, Jon Bass, and Toby Huss.

Ingmar Bergman hits your soul in the gut with his Swedish spiritual ennui and despair. Winter Light (1963) is the story of a pastor (Gunnar Björnstrand) who has lost his faith, but continues to go through the motions until he can contain his heresy no longer. The moment he does, the world appears to break. Bergman fearlessly wrestles with faith and doubt in ways few other filmmakers even attempt to approach. Hauntingly shot by regular Bergman cinematographer, Sven Nykvist. Ingrid Thulin, Gunnel Lindblom, and Max von Sydow co-star.

Sicario (2015) is a slick, slow-burn suspense thriller from director Denis Villeneuve. Emily Blunt is an FBI agent who has been recruited by a secretive government task force to take down the drug cartels on the US-Mexican border. She’s kept in the dark about most of the details of the mission and slowly realizes how this twisted world actually works. Bleak and tense, but then I kind of enjoy a movie that’s cool with cynically pointing out how irretrievably vile every aspect of a nebulous system really is. Also stars Benicio del Toro, Josh Brolin, and Daniel Kaluuya.

As absurd as the plot twists in François Truffaut’s Mississippi Mermaid (1969) get, the characters seem to model all the typical beats of a romantic relationship. Or maybe I’ve just had some wacky relationships myself. Anyway, a rich tobacco plantation owner (Jean-Paul Belmondo) on the tropical Réunion Island orders a mail order bride (Catherine Deneuve), but when she does arrive she seems to be hiding something. I would rather not spoil the story. It’s a mean but funny romantic melodrama with lots of sexiness.

Another dive into an unfamiliar world, I Don’t Want to Sleep Alone (2006) is a peek into the slums of Kuala Lumpur and the dramas that unfold in grimy alleyways and abandoned construction sites. The static camera forces the events of the story to play out like distant tableaus. We are observers, not participants here. It is a very melancholy and human film and it sucked me in.

Since we were on a bit of a Schwarzenegger kick (we also tried re-watching End of Days but gave up less than 30 minutes in), my roommates and I were trying to figure out what his best movie was. Predator? Conan? Terminator? Commando? Twins? After much debate, it was unanimous. We re-watched Total Recall (1990), which is probably also RoboCop director Paul Verhoeven’s best movie too. It’s typically violent, lumbering, and satirical, but with that added layer of being adapted from a Philip K. Dick short story. Douglas Quaid (Arnie) is your average guy who’d like to try out vacation memory implants. Unfortunately, the process awakens something within him. Is he a real secret agent? Is he insane? Is he even the good guy? These questions lead Quaid on a far out adventure to Mars and into the world of corporate greed and underground mutant rebellions. It’s a goddamn perfect movie and just as fun as when I was ten. Features Sharon Stone, Ronny Cox, Rachel Ticotin, Michael Ironside, and some truly memorable puppetry and effects by Rob Bottin.

I dig novelty. Show me something I haven’t seen before. That’s my attitude when it comes to movies. The Boxer’s Omen (1983) is one of the craziest movies out there. It’s so insane that it’s almost a spiritual experience. So what is it? It’s a Hong Kong horror-action flick about a boxer who gets sucked into a world of tantric Buddhism and black magic in Thailand, Nepal, and the spiritual realm. The plot doesn’t matter. Magical showdowns with bonkers special effects. That’s all you need to know. The thing I dug most about this movie is that it really gets neck deep into the nonsense mechanics of witchcraft. The movie is all about leveling up and the process and insane rituals involved in, say, reanimating chomping alligator skulls. It’s gross and messed up and completely out there. If you haven’t seen Boxer’s Omen and you like crazy movies, watch this one immediately. I love this movie.

Sally Potter adapts Virginia Woolf in the gender-bending magical realism period drama Orlando (1992). Tilda Swinton stars as the young nobleman, Orlando, who experiences wealth, privilege, and heartbreak before (for reasons unexplained) wakes up one morning as a woman. The story presents the newfound disadvantages of being female throughout the centuries as Orlando, on Queen Elizabeth I’s request, never grows old and merely persists on living for hundreds of years, discovering new things about herself and her identity. Marvelous scope and sumptuously ornate costumes, Orlando is a unique transporting film experience with a cheeky sense of whimsy that brings an element of refreshing sarcasm to the wacky plot.

Writer/director/producer, Anna Rose Holmer, in her debut film, The Fits (2015), deftly captures and poetically rebrands the intricacies of gender and puberty. Toni (Royalty Hightower) is an eleven year old tomboy, lured perhaps by the call of conformity, becomes fixated on transitioning out of the male dominated sport of boxing and into the female dominated realm of dance. The complexities of gender politics abound, yet the film is quiet, distant, and hypnotic. Toni quietly wrestles with her identity as she navigates the two realms and then… the fits begin. Randomly, girls in her dance club start having fits. Some need to be hospitalized. Questions buzz around the potential causes and if and when it will strike another one of them. The metaphor creeps up on you as the film sucks you deeper into its artfully photographed high school world. An exceptionally sublime film about adolescent self-discovery.

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BONUS Shorts

Tezuka Osamu visually interprets Russian composer, Modest Mussorgsky, for Pictures at an Exhibition (1966). It’s cheeky and has a bit of satire. Reminded me a bit of the Italian Fantasia parody, Allegro non Troppo.

The Brothers Quay pay tribute to the Czech stop-motion master in The Cabinet of Jan Svankmajer (1984). It’s unmistakably Quay, but their homages to Svankmajer have never been more apparent. It’s a strange little journey into the surreal.

Joyce Chopra chronicles her pregnancy, birth, and the transition into motherhood in Joyce at 34 (1972). This is the film I think we should have watched in health class.

I am a huge fan of Russian animator, Ivan Maximov. His bizarre worlds, imaginative creatures, rich sound design, and dreamy atmosphere are perfect for the medium of animated shorts. I recently forced a few of his shorts on someone and I do hope they enjoyed them as much as I do. Most of them can be found on YouTube. In this particular session we watched From Left to Right (1989), Wind Along the Coast (2004), The Additional Capabilities of the Snout (2008), and Long Bridge of Desired Direction (2013).

THE LAST FEW MOVIES XXXVIII – Mostly Good

As I continue to do this, an unmistakable personality profile of myself emerges. I am what I am.

18. The Ultimate Warrior (1975) may feature Yul Brynner as a mysterious fighter in a post apocalyptic New York City, but is ultimately a slow, boring affair with hammy acting, a world that seems as limited as its small set, and only one or two fun fight scenes.

17. All of the Disney Star Wars movies at least look very good. Lighting, costumes, music, digital and practical effects, etc. are all top notch. But Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (2019), like the rest of the series is a heaving, hulking, unwieldy mess of a science fantasy whose onscreen misfires belie numerous behind-the-scenes debacles. J. J. Abrams was given the apparently joyless task of dismantling everything Rian Johnson did in The Last Jedi. I had a lot of problems with the Johnson movie as well, but I was actually kind of intrigued by some of the new directions he was trying to pull the franchise. Abrams undoes it all. Or disregards it. This third installment feels completely disconnected from the previous two movies. It’s big, loud, and dumb but at least Ian McDiarmid is having fun as Emperor Palpatine again.

16. I’m pretty sure Bigfoot vs D.B. Cooper (2014) was made by a guy who didn’t know about the internet and was too timid to make a straight up gay porno. Both title characters are barely featured. Instead most of the film is a group of dopey shirtless beefcakes taking their pants off and posing in front of mirrors for minutes on end. They’re supposed to be going on a turkey hunt (in what looks like a local park), but they aren’t exactly dressed for the occasion. Despite potential protestations from the filmmaker, this is essentially a plotless string of unrelated scenes. We get lots of disconnected airport scenes with tedious voice-over, random northern forest footage, a dude flexing in his underwear and then showering, and – if you’re real patient – a Bigfoot punching someone. This may be one of the most inept films I’ve ever seen. Not as good as Ben & Arthur or a Neil Breen, but we did laugh a lot.

15. I remember seeing The Land That Time Forgot (1975) when I was kid. I had been enamored by the great artwork on the cover. Sadly, the movie did not live up to the cartoon poster. In 1916, a German U-boat destroys a British passenger ship. The survivors board the submarine and the upper hand is traded until they wind up in uncharted waters and trapped on an island locked in prehistoric times. I gave this clunky Doug MacClure vehicle another look and it is still a plodding embarrassment punctuated by inappropriately adorable dinosaur puppets (OF WHICH THERE ARE ENTIRELY NOT ENOUGH OF). McClure is hammy and brash as usual (as it should be), but the German U-boat captain (played by John McEnery) rises above the hokey material to give a nuanced performance. There are a lot of great ideas (the novel was written by Edgar Rice Burroughs) and some interesting commentary on war and nationalism, but the film never manages to do most of these ideas justice. It’s a long, slow windup to an ending that is technically cool but over way too fast.

OK. From here on out, I genuinely enjoyed the movies. Although I still may have a weird soft spot for Land That Time Forgot even if it is garbage.

14. Sassy and free-spirited Melanie Griffith woos a hapless Jeff Daniels in Jonathan Demme’s Something Wild (1986). As the duo trek from misadventure to misadventure, they may be falling for each other for real. And then her ex-husband (Ray Liotta) shows up and things get complicated. It’s breezy and fun and the cast is solid.

13. Logan(2017), to me, is way more compelling than Joker as far as dark and gritty superhero flicks go. A washed-up, nihilistic Wolverine begrudgingly takes care of a senile and dying Professor X in a distant future where all the X-Men are dead. It’s depressing and somber and has some bloody good violence and apparently it’s what has been missing for me in the X-Men franchise. Folks who follow my ramblings know I struggle to appreciate most superhero movies. I solidly loved Logan. Hugh Jackman and Patrick Stewart give great performances.

12. What if a color was so weird it ruined a family? Richard Stanley’s Color Out of Space (2019) has some hammy acting and some clunky dialogue, but if you let the neon pink-infused nightmare overtake you, there’s plenty to thrill you. Nicolas Cage is an aspiring alpaca farmer that’s relocated his family to the sticks. A meteor from outer space with an un-describable glow starts making everyone act weird. Because it’s based on a Lovecraft story. It’s a bit of Annihilation meets The Thing and reminded me of From Beyond. The color saturation, some artsy sci-fi/horror elements, and Nicolas Cage’s acting crazy may cause some to draw comparisons with Mandy. While Color Out of Space is nowhere near as good as those films mentioned (but more fun than Annihilation), it’s got its own weird, hypnotic vibe that keeps ratcheting up until the wild ending. Also starring Elliott Knight, Madeleine Arthur, Joely Richardson, and Tommy Chong.

11. I gave Powell and Pressburger’s Black Narcissus (1947) a re-watch and, questionable depictions of the Himalayan people aside, it’s a stunning drama with gorgeous colors and copious amounts of matte paintings. Some nuns (with Deborah Kerr at the helm) are sent to turn a windswept mountaintop palace into a school and hospital. Try as they might to tame the land, their inexperience and the hostility of the region make progress exceedingly difficult. They wrestle with their faith, are haunted by their past, and begin to lose their grasp on their own sanity. Co-starring David Farrar (in some cheeky short shorts), Kathleen Byron, Sabu, and Jean Simmons.

10. I do love me some Cronenberg. And this earlier work, Shivers (1975), is a brilliant sort of nightmare. Essentially a zombie movie, but instead of undead corpses desiring to feast upon brains (how hack), a scientist develops a parasite that removes inhibitions and creates sex-crazed violent maniacs. Can one become so controlled by one’s primal urges that one ceases to be oneself? This chilling movie has the answers.

9. Jack Nicholson plays a depressed radio host who lays his soul bare for whatever listeners he has before getting strung along on a fishy real estate deal scheme concocted by his charismatic brother (Bruce Dern) in Bob Rafelson’s The King of Marvin Gardens (1972). Set in an overcast Atlantic City that feels like purgatory, this drama really sucks you into a sad but fascinating world similar to Rafelson’s Five Easy Pieces. It’s funny. It’s pathetic. It’s weird. It’s soul crushing. Ellen Burstyn gives a phenomenal performance as one of Dern’s lovers who is lamenting her fading youth. This is a movie for people who like gritty 70s dramas. So I loved it. Also features Scatman Crothers and Julia Anne Robinson.

8. Steven Spielberg’s first feature, Duel (1971), is a masterful exercise in minimalism and visual language. Penned by sci fi legend, Richard Matheson, Duel concerns a dweeby businessman (Dennis Weaver) who passes a filthy big rig marked “flammable” on a lonely desert highway and thus inadvertently incurs the disproportionate wrath of the unseen driver. It’s all one long deadly game of cat and mouse on the road. And it is up there with Jaws and Jurassic Park for Spielberg action and suspense.

7. I don’t even know what I can say about One Cut of the Dead (2019) that won’t ruin it. It’s a zombie movie, but it’s actually not. It’s more about filmmaking itself and it is clever and funny and heartwarming. It takes the concept of Noises Off and transposes it from the stage to film. And it is a wholly enjoyable affair. Better than Noises Off, because this one has zombies. A weirdly heartwarming movie about filmmaking.

6. This one’s a re-watch, but I am here to say The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988) holds up as a brilliant detective farce with absurd visual gags aplenty. Leslie Nielson is at the top of his comedy game here as he delivers ludicrous lines with fierce deadpan stoicism. Based on the sadly short-lived TV series, the first Naked Gun is the best one and one of the best movies Zucker, Abrahams, and Zucker ever did.

5. Tutto a posto e niente in ordine (1975) (aka All Screwed Up) might be my first Lina Wertmüller movie. She’s a renown Italian auteur best known for her comedies. This film is a chaotic pastiche of life in Milan. Gino and Carletto are bumpkins dazzled by the big city bustle and quickly take to pursuing women. A wild flatting situation and the relentless pursuit of work, money, and romance leads to series of funny episodes. I really enjoyed this madcap farce of city life and will be discovering more Wertmüller in the weeks to come.

4. Ken Loach’s Black Jack (1979) is a refreshingly British picaresque adventure. When an execution goes awry and the French man (Jean Franval) climbs out of his coffin, he forcibly enlists the help of a young boy (Stephen Hirst) to make his getaway. Along the way they meet fops, grifters, vagabonds, snake oil salesman, and a young mad girl being sent away. You may need the subtitles on (the accents may be a bit thick), but Black Jack is a winning adventure for fans of period drama.

3. Under the Silver Lake (2018), directed by David Robert Mitchell, is like a double postmodern neo noir that satirizes Hollywood, manhood, and pattern-seeking primates’ innate yet inane search for meaning in a cosmically dispassionate universe and skewers our voyeurism, paranoia, and hypocritical sex politics in subtle and sublime ways. It’s Hitchcock. It’s Lynch. It’s a bit of the Coens. And it is a masterpiece. A 33 year old loser dangerously close to being evicted (Andrew Garfield) meets a pretty girl who then disappears and so he embarks on a haphazard sleuthing mission that takes him to psychedelic parties and bomb shelters and cult huts. Beautifully shot. Great performances. Some visceral and truly memorable scenes. And darkly, devastatingly funny.

2. I gave Wim Wenders’ Wings of Desire (1987) a re-watch. It’s a very slow and poetic film, but its unshakable humanism is captivating. Bruno Ganz plays an angel in a black and white world. Humans are fascinating to him. For thousands of years he has silently watched their joy; their despair; their loves; their discoveries; and their curiosity. Does he dare sacrifice his heavenly wings and immortality for a fleeting taste of what it means to be human? Peter Falk plays himself, an intensely introspective actor doing a film in Berlin and his presence adds a gentle touch of peaceful wisdom. Wings of Desire is the type of movie that will make you think about your humanity and our relationship to each other as well as whatever else might be out there.

1.  With zero irony, Nabwana I. G. G.’s Wakaliwood action comedy, Bad Black (2016), is my unadulterated favorite film in a while. While the narrating Video Joker may offer some playful commentary and added meta-textual comedy, the story itself plunges you headfirst into the slums of Uganda. Bad Black (Nalwanga Gloria) is a young girl (played by Kirabo Beatrice as a kid) who winds up in a child gang, but when she kills their oppressive leader she becomes the baddest gang lord in Kampala. The movie gleefully shifts from heavy themes of human trafficking and murder to wacky kung fu fights (that are legit decently choreographed). You also get a white American doctor (Alan Ssali Hofmanis) being trained by a kid named Wesley Snipes (Kasule Rolean) to become a “commando”. Twists and turns and revelations connect everything back to truly satisfying conclusion. Wakaliwood is famous for its low budget, but this is real world cinema. Who Killed Captain Alex? blew me away when I first saw it. But Bad Black is a solid improvement. It’s faster, easier to follow, funnier, and arguably has better action (more kung fu!).

BONUS SHORTS

David Lynch interrogates a monkey in What Did Jack Do (2020). It’s very David Lynch. I like David Lynch. I did not like What Did Jack Do.

Special effects maestro Phil Tippett has been working on his stop-motion passion project, Mad God (2013-?), for several years now. And he’s still going! In a dystopian hellscape, a mysterious, be-goggled urban spelunker is deposited on a voyage of exploration into mechanical catacombs and pulsing corridors of suffering. A horrific, tormented fever dream awaits all those who dare enter. A work of art, to be sure.

THE LAST FEW MOVIES: EPISODE XXXVII – A Pretty Good Year

Happy holidays. Watch some movies.

16. Disney once again saps all energy, magic, and joy out of another stone cold classic with their remake of The Lion King (2019). It’s a hollow, dour, boring slog. The photo-realism is technically impressive but lacks style and emotional resonance. I’m not  against this concept working. It just doesn’t work. Great voice cast on paper, but they all sound half asleep (with the exception of maybe Billy Eichner).

15. Holiday Inn (1942) has Bing Crosby in blackface and was still better than The Lion King. Fred Astaire has a couple dance numbers and it features the cozy holiday anthem, “White Christmas” (and other songs from Irving Berlin). Holiday Inn was later turned into White Christmas in 1954 with Bing and Danny Kaye, which is a better film that I also don’t particularly care for.

14. Gave an old Bill Murray classic a re-watch. Ivan Reitman’s Stripes (1981) may be better remembered fondly than re-experienced. There are some very funny bits and lines, but overall the film is disjointed, hasn’t aged the best, and I never got the attack RV. You could re-watch the wacky hijinks of a schlubby bunch of dudes bumble and smart-mouth their way through boot camp or you could watch some of the better movies with Bill Murray or Harold Ramis or John Candy, etc.

13. Finally saw Joker (2018). It was pretty good. What I hate about movies with so much public tug-o-war over if it’s the best thing ever or the worst is that the fuss usually diminishes the experience of the film itself. As an homage to Scorsese’s King of Comedy, it’s pretty decent. As a mainstream film approaching the conversation on class struggle, it’s blunt but not bad. As a movie about the iconic Batman nemesis, it’s kind of bewildering. Had the movie had zero connection to the comic book Joker character, it would have been far more interesting (to me, anyway) but it would have had a harder time getting seen. As a movie about mental illness, it’s iffy. Joaquin Phoenix is good and the cinematography is gritty and saturated with the right combination of colors. Maybe the trouble I have with telling a story about the vulnerable and tragic beginnings of the clown prince of crime is that it strips him of his anarchic mystique.

12. Stunning animation, meticulous art direction, and a clever script all serve to make Sergio Pablos’ Klaus (2019) an instant holiday classic. When a freeloading postal flunky gets sent to the remotest outpost on the map, he discovers a village at perpetual civil war (think a Scandinavian flavored Hatfields vs McCoys type thing). In order to reach his mail quota, the postman teams up with a reclusive woodsman who used to make toys. The rest is Christmas magic. Klaus is wacky but restrained. It has humor and heart in equal measure. The attention to detail and the groundbreaking animation techniques really showcase the unique energy of 2D animation. It’s an original film that will definitely be worth revisiting every year. Featuring the voices of Jason Schwartzman, J.K. Simmons, Joan Cusack, Rashida Jones, Norm Macdonald, and more.

11. Martin Scorsese assembles the most iconic Italian American actors to give us a movie called The Irishman (2019). Robert DeNiro plays an Irish enforcer to the Italian mob (run by Joe Pesci) and winds up being chums with union leader, Jimmy Hoffa (played by the irascible Al Pacino). It’s a slow-moving period piece that’s a pleasant pastiche of the director’s earlier works (most notably Casino and Goodfellas). Simply let the narrative wash over you scene to scene. While not my favorite Scorsese flick, it’s a smooth ride that goes down easy. I may wish it had a bit more bite to it, but it was great seeing Pesci and the gang again.

10. Fernando Ferreira Meirelles (City of God) directs Anthony Hopkins and Jonathan Pryce in The Two Popes (2019), a quiet drama about Pope Benedict XVI’s abdication of his role to Cardinal Bergoglio. It’s an abstract sort of world, this film invites you in to observe. It’s a world of ancient, ornate artwork and old men pontificating on different ideas. And the differences in values are treated with intelligence and sincerity. Hopkins and Pryce give excellent performances. I enjoyed watching the relationship between the two men evolve.

9. Just as I had hoped, Eddie Murphy is back. Murphy plays blaxploitation legend Rudy Ray Moore in Dolemite Is My Name (2019). Perhaps it paints Moore’s work in a light that is more profound than his oeuvre merits, but that’s part of this behind-the-scenes fantasy’s charm. It is satisfying to watch Murphy’s portrayal of the man cracking the code to his comedy, discovering this flamboyant character, and, in the face of adversity, sticking to his guns and doing it all his way. Fans of Rudy Ray Moore, blaxploitation, film history, or any member of the star-studded cast won’t be disappointed. Features Wesley Snipes, Craig Robinson, Titus Burgess, Keegan-Michael Key, Da’vine Joy Randolph, Snoop Dogg, Mike Epps, and Chris Rock.

8. Taika Waititi follows in the footsteps of Chaplin, Lubitsch, Brooks, and Benigni with a film that lampoons the utter absurdity of the Third Reich in Jojo Rabbit (2019). The film follows a young boy (Roman Griffin Davis) who is brainwashed into the Hitler Youth and discovers his mother (Scarlett Johansson) is hiding a Jewish girl (Thomasin Harcourt McKenzie) in their house. Most similar to Waititi’s earlier film, The Hunt for the Wilderpeople (a classic on its own), many may find it reminiscent of the films of Wes Anderson. Unlike Anderson, however, Waititi isn’t afraid of being tender or showing emotion. While the setting and subject matter may be serious, the comedy lands with zing and crackle. Taika Waititi is fun as a camp Hitler imaginary friend, but Sam Rockwell steals the show as a thoroughly disenfranchised alcoholic soldier. Rebel Wilson and Stephen Merchant are also great in their small roles. Johansson, as Jojo’s mother, is the heart of the film.

7. Music! Magic! A donkey that shits precious jewels! Incest! It’s Donkey Skin (1970). Catherine Deneuve stars as a princess who flees the kingdom where her weird, horny father wants to marry her in this bonkers and very French fairy tale. Sumptuous costumes, lush sets, eye popping colors, acerbic wit, and a healthy dose of comic surreality make this musical fantasy one you’ll want to experience again. Wonderfully weird.

6. Souleymane Cissé’s fantasy epic from Mali, Yeelen (1987), operates on its own logic. Young Nianankoro (Issiaka Kane) leaves his elderly mother to go on a quest to face his father, an evil wizard who wants his son dead. Nianankoro is blessed with magical powers of his own, and these powers serve him well on his journey as he meets kings, warriors, his uncle, and a hyena man who knows the future. Yeelen is a wholly unique cinematic experience that fans of world cinema cannot miss.

5. Regardless of to what degree you disliked The Last Jedi, Rian Johnson is a filmmaker. Knives Out (2019) doesn’t reinvent the whodunit mystery genre, but it perfectly gels all the typical ingredients with such grace and style that it makes for a delicious outing to the theater. A sly gentleman sleuth (Daniel Craig with a Southern drawl) investigates the mysterious suicide of a wealthy novelist and patriarch (Christopher Plummer). The grieving family members are interrogated and as the plot continues to twist, their temperaments are pushed to reveal their true colors. Very Agatha Christie. Very wry. Very clever script and enjoyable performances. Stellar cast includes Ana de Armas, Jamie Lee Curtis, Toni Collette, Michael Shannon, Don Johnson, Lakeith Stanfield, Frank Oz, and more.

4. The Host director, Bong Joon Ho tackles class struggle in the brilliantly bleak South Korean satirical thriller Parasite (2019). The poor Kim family seek to exploit the filthy rich Park family. Loaded with twists and tension, it’s best you don’t know too much. Stars Kang-Ho Song, Cho Yeo-jeong, and Park So-dam.

3. Since Z (1969) is one of my all time favorite movies, it seems logical I would love Costa-Gavras’s equally politically frustrating State of Siege (1972). And I do. An American diplomat is found dead in Uruguay. The rest of the film plots out the web of complicated events and taut political climate that led to this tragic bookend. From its gritty aesthetic to its unapologetic portrayal of right-wing fascism and leftist terror response, its a movie for grownups that sucks you in, bludgeons you with its pessimism, and leaves you grasping for what to do. Much like Z, there are no real main characters. Everything is presented from a cold, almost documentarian, distance. Features Yves Montand, O. E. Hasse, Jean-Luc Bideau, and Jacques Perrin.

2. It may not be the best movie technically, but for sheer enjoyment nothing can top Neil Breen’s fifth feature film, Twisted Pair (2018). Cade and Cale are identical twins (Breen in a dual role) who get abducted by aliens and made into humanoids (he means robots) and return to Earth with markedly different ideas about how to save humanity from itself. Twisted Pair contains most of the Breen hallmarks you come to expect, but in putting himself against himself, it’s as if he is examining his Messiah Complex with a more introspection than ever before. Breen’s the kind of writer-producer-director-star-caterer you wish for; a brilliantly incomprehensible narcissist whose insistence on writing himself as the most misunderstood yet intelligent, physically strong, sexually desirable, morally superior, and, now, more conscious human being alive that belies his incompetence as a filmmaker and his childlike understanding of reality. Paradox of paradoxes, all of these outwardly negative descriptors aggregate into something truly hypnotic and confoundingly pure. Perhaps his most personal work yet. He doesn’t ask what it means to be human. That question is too small. In Twisted Pair, he dares to ask the ultimate question: what does it mean to be Breen? I can’t thank Neil Breen enough for bringing these blessings of cinematic joy into the world.

1. Fanny and Alexander(1982) is like the ultimate Ingmar Bergman film and one of the very best Christmas movies. Yes, even better than Die Hard. I had seen the 188 minute theatrical cut years ago at the New Beverly Cinema, but this holiday season I strapped in for the full length 312 minute mini series version. And what a marvel of filmmaking it is. Despite its intimidating length, I’d say it’s more accessible than say Persona. The story follows the affluent Ekdahl family, in particular the youngest children of the sickly theater director and his smoking hot wife. And what a gaggle of complex characters and deep, dark themes the legendary Swedish auteur has collected. Gorgeous to look at with each frame and peppered with laughs of whimsy and gasps of horror, this might be my favorite Bergman.

BONUS SHORT

Anna Biller’s unique knack for recapturing the aesthetics of the days cinema past (this time, classic 1950s westerns) and juxtaposing them against feminist themes is on display in A Visit from the Incubus (2001). A woman (Biller) is being harassed every night in her sleep by a lascivious sex demon, so she takes him on the only way she can: by outperforming him on the stage at the local saloon. Colorful and tongue-in-cheek.

The Last Few Movies I Saw: Episode XXXVI – Halloween 2019

It’s Halloween and I am watching some spooky movies about it. As always, the films are ranked in order of what I thought of them. If you’re looking for something to watch, there’s a few in here that are definitely memorable.

19. I hope you like more underwater footage than Thunderball. This is Beyond Atlantis (1973). And good grief is there a lot of swimming. Here’s the plot: a bunch of slimy city folk (including the late Sid Haig playing a character named East Eddie) travel to an island inhabited by a tribe of people with huge eyeballs to collect priceless pearls. Sid Haig and hot bikini bods (mainly Leigh Christian) make this Filipino-American flick sporadically watchable, but a bit tedious.

18. I think it’s fairly apparent that I am a ravenous Redlettermedia fan. They are living the dream. And they recommended Suburban Sasquatch (2004). So I watched it. Most of it. It is so laughably amateurish that it becomes more of a slog to sit through. It’s tepid and boring and vaguely Christian. Bigfoot sucks. He sucks as a character. He sucks as a cryptoid. I hate it. This movie had us laughing out loud at quite a few parts, but it just becomes so repetitive and profoundly ugly to look at that all the hammy acting and cheesy dialogue in the world can’t justify the product as a whole. Perhaps I will finish the last 20 minutes. But I don’t feel any pressing need to.

17. R.O.T.O.R. (1987) is another sci-fi B-movie with some funny moments (that stupid mouthy robot in the picture is a highlight) but ultimately not very memorable. It’s derivative of Terminator and Robocop, but there are a few laughs to be had. Fun fact: the title “R.O.T.O.R” stands for Robotic Officer of the Tactical Operations Research/Reserve Unit. For reference, the rest of the film is just as clunky.

16. What a series. I keep watching Howling sequels, guys. I still haven’t seen the acclaimed Joe Dante original. But this series is a trip. Each new entry is bad in remarkably different ways. Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf is still my favorite (mainly because the of killer song, Sybil Danning, Christopher Lee, and its unabashed sleaziness). Howling III: The Marsupials is easily the stupidest (and most objectionable – straight up marsupial werewolf birthing sequence). Howling IV: The Original Nightmare is the most uninspired and boring. And now, Howling V: The Rebirth (1989) gets a few points from me. Perhaps the most ambitious in its first act. It assembles a gaggle of unlikable haircuts that have been selected to tour an ancient castle in Hungary. A castle that was abandoned 500 years ago. A castle that’s cursed. Yes, it’s stupid and almost entirely bloodless with only slightly more werewolf sightings that Howling IV, but the castle is neat and it has actual cinematography. You’ll be begging for it to end by the third kill, but you’ll keep watching because it’s The Howling.

15. I like Zach Galifianakis. I think he’s a very comical actor with a lot more talent and personal whimsy than Hollywood knows what to do with. Between Two Ferns: The Movie (2019) takes Zach’s webseries: a celebrity interview show riffing on public access programming, and stretches it as far as it can go. It’s not bad, but less is more with this concept maybe. Is Zach an oblivious oaf bumbling over poorly constructed interview questions or is he a cunning critic playfully skewering the rich and famous? The movie informs us he is somehow both. And it doesn’t exactly work. It has some good humor, but the hardest I laughed was at the outtakes during the end credits and I think that’s because that’s when it was the most genuine. The template of a phony interview show, giving the host an opening to roast his subjects is classic, but as an engaging narrative subject, it’s on wobbly ground. Somewhere between Jiminy Glick, Ali G, and Eric Andre is Zach Galifianakis. Sitting, awkwardly, between two ferns.

14. A deaf woman is trapped in a waking nightmare when a murderous lunatic stumbles on her house in the woods and decides to psychologically torture her as he gets closer and closer in Hush (2016). It’s pretty direct and minimalist and gets the job done with a small cast in a single setting and it does it effectively. There’s a bit of ham, but it taps into that primal fear of being watched and having your privacy stolen. Once the killer removes his mask (way too early), the movie never feels as sharp, but it still works well enough.

13. Darren Aronofsky’s Mother! (2017) starts off as a tale of a quiet wife (Jennifer Lawrence) and an intense poet (Jarvier Bardem) living in an idyllic house in the country. When the poet allows a stranger (Ed Harris) to stay in their house, things get awkward. As he overstays his welcome and invites more people, it takes a toll on the wife (the centerpiece of the film and whose perspective all of the action is viewed from). About a third of the way in, the symbolism gets so heavy-handed that you begin to see what the whole thing is about. Sort of. But I feel like this movie, while thought provoking and dealing with interesting themes (many of which I genuinely want to see explored more in cinema), gets mired in its own pretentiousness and shocking grimness. Is it art? Yes. Do I want to see it again? No?

12. I re-watched Disney’s The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad (1949) with some mischievous tykes and, I gotta say, I think there’s a reason my mind blocked out the memory of the Mr. Toad segment. It not good. It’s beautifully animated, but as a story it simply goes nowhere and is no worthy adaptation of The Wind and the Willows. The Legend of Sleep Hollow part with Ichabod Crane and the Headless Horsemen make up for a lot of time wasted though. I fun little dose of nostalgia. The last fifteen minutes are pure animation gold. Basil Rathbone and Bing Crosby trade off narrating duties on these two classic literary tales.

11. Ever since I saw Young Frankenstein I have been in love with Marty Feldman. Marty Feldman: Six Degrees of Separation (2006) is a BBC documentary on the memorable actor’s inspired and tragically short career. From his early days in radio and television to the good movies and the bad movies, this biography chronicles his struggles as an artist and his unrelenting humor, joy, and creativity.

10. Tina Fey’s Mean Girls (2004) is a hot dose of high school anxiety. Lindsay Lohan is the new girl in school and she quickly gets sucked into the teenage drama of warring factions of duplicitous girls (and guys) all vying for status in what is indisputably the most important time in their lives. It’s smart. It’s funny. It’s got a lot of pink. Rachel McAdams, Amanda Seyfried, Lizzy Caplan, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Lacey Chabert, and Tim Meadows round out the very funny cast.

9. Did Spielberg secretly direct Tobe Hooper’s Poltergeist (1982)? Who cares? It’s great ghostly fun with wonderfully ghoulish special effects. When a typical suburban family starts to notice weird stuff happening in their house they defer to the experts to figure out what is going on. It’s ghosts. Zelda Rubenstein, JoBeth Williams, and Craig T. Nelson give great performances as well.

8. Rob Zombie’s first film, House of 1000 Corpses (2002) is basically a haunted house ride turned into a movie. It’s aggressive, wacky, and steeped in a familiar Halloween atmosphere all while paying homage (or ripping off) classic scary movies, but with an extra coat of grime and whimsically mean-spirited edge. And it’s funny as hell. It’s a bit of a mess and it won’t be for everybody, but I kind of loved it. Features Sid Haig, Sheri Moon Zombie, Rain Wilson, Karen Black, Walton Goggins, Tom Towles, and even more great faces.

7. The Body Snatcher (1945), directed by Robert Wise and based on the story by Robert Louis Stevenson, is a classic horror yarn about grave robbing for medical research and the unseemly lot a man of science can find himself in all for the pursuit of greater surgical knowledge. Despite some typical period melodrama, the plot and characters are refreshingly complex. Stiff-lipped Henry Daniell gives a typically restrained but compelling performance as the medical instructor who is haunted by his guilt and Boris Karloff is glorious to behold as he connives and cajoles his way from scene to scene. Their relationship is more horror than all the cemetery desecration and skeletons combined. Bela Lugosi also has a small role as a quiet janitor who’s always listening.

6. This next one is an indie flick that is rough around the edges, but well worth a look. Charles Burnett’s My Brother’s Wedding (1983) is a gritty, human view of life in the ghetto. Pierce is a smart young man with little ambition and his friendship with seedy sorts puts him at odds with his family. At times funny, at times tragic, it’s the sort of unapologetic film that feels like a series of snapshots into the lives of real people. This is what independent cinema was made for.

5. This movie sets up a brilliantly wacky premise and just keeps delivering with creative twists and turns the whole way through. Dave Made a Maze (2017) is about a cardboard labyrinth that takes on a life of its own and traps its creator and his friends in a deadly world of dead-ends and booby traps. The movie loses me a bit with its heavy-handed metaphors for artists and their creations (not nearly as bad as Mother! though), but its charm, levity, and genuine originality push it to something great and truly memorable. Inspired verbal and visual comedy, a somewhat sappy earnestness, and a raging Minotaur make this whimsical horror comedy an adventure you won’t want to miss.

4. Tales from the Hood (1995) is a brilliant horror anthology laced with scares and scathing social satire to spare. Clarence Williams III (who is fantastically over the top) plays a sinister funeral director who takes three gang members for a little ride through four tales of terror in order to teach them something. I saw the sequel first and thought it was cheesy but fun. This one is legit great and I loved it.

3. This is how you do a remake. Dario Argento’s 1977 original film is a high octane, psychedelic, expressionistic horror house that, one may argue, is aggressively style-over-substance. It’s an unforgettable cult classic for a reason. Luca Guadagnino’s remake flips the script entirely and creates a more subdued arthouse horror more focused on unspoken drama and witch politics. While Suspiria (1977) is frenetic and vibrant, Suspiria (2018) is slow and sumptuous. The color palette is muted. The skies are gray and rainy. The Berlin wall looms just outside the windows of the creepy ballet academy. The twists are macabre and surprising, especially if you’ve seen the original. Tilda Swinton, Dakota Johnson, and Mia Goth star and Jessica Harper (the lead from the original) makes a cameo. The only thing that I found a little jarring (in that it took me out of the film) was Professor Lutz Ebersdorf. I get it and it does create an eerie and sort of experimentally otherworldly atmosphere, but it kept distracting me because I couldn’t help but look for the reason behind the odd choice. Ultimately, I think it served the film well and I loved it.

2. There’s something special about French science fiction (especially animation and comics) from the 70s and 80s. Moebius and others were undoubtedly a huge influence on the style and scope of surreal world building. Gandahar (1987) is very much in this vein. Directed by René Laloux, whose Fantastic Planet remains perhaps the most important sci-fi animation of all time; Gandahar (aka Light Years) is a lesser cousin, but still a wonderfully weird and transporting experience. It’s a tale of oppression and war, but much like Fantastic Planet, it is perhaps even more concerned with the mechanics of this fictitious universe it posits and the ecosystems and overlapping cultures of these alien planets. Time travel elements and the heady concepts explored make this a must see for fans of animated sci-fi. Some disputes over the soundtracks. I watched to the English dub which I believe had the American electronic score. It was good, but I would like to find the French version as well to compare.

1. I was a big fan of Robert Eggers’ previous film, The Witch, so naturally I could not wait to see The Lighthouse (2019). Shot in glorious black and white on 35mm film and presented in 1.19:1 aspect ratio, the film instantly transports you into a different time period. The forgotten and windswept rock you are stuck on is cold and wet and miles and miles from any living soul save for the briny, old lighthouse keeper played by Willem Dafoe (who chews the scenery like it’s a dinner of lobster claws). Robert Pattinson plays his new assistant, a former lumberman looking to make a few bucks working on the remote, gull-tormented island. Together the two strange men will battle the elements, each other, and their own sanity. The Lighthouse works as a grim psychological horror or as a very black comedy about bad roommates. And it crashes like ice cold waves upon the jagged northeastern cliffs. It festers and blurs. Sexual nightmares of mermaids and guilt come and go as the two men grow further isolated from everything in this world. Unsettling to contemplate and gorgeous to look at.

BONUS SHORTS

Rowan Atkinson plays an irritating little man who has just been diagnosed with a terminal illness that will end his life in 30 minutes. Dead On Time (1983) shows him racing through the streets trying to fill the fleeting moments of his life with meaning. It’s a diverting little sketch that utilizes its premise well. Suspense, laughs, and a pure heart.

The Hour After Westerly (2019), directed by Nate Bell and Andrew Morehouse, follows a man who loses an hour trying to get home one night. Where did the missing hour go? And why does he keep having visions of a lighthouse? And who is this woman? Gorgeously shot and quietly introspective. Reminds me of The Twilight Zone.

I hope you like weird anime short films. Cat Soup (2001), directed by Tatsuo Satō, is surreal, grim, bizarre, and cute. A cat travels to the land of the dead to rescue his sister after she drowns. The animation is inspired and beautiful.

Hope you enjoyed that and maybe picked up a movie suggestion or two. You know, as much as I wasn’t into Beyond Atlantis, I can’t deny it had one of the greatest freeze frame endings of all time. Happy Halloween, folks.

RIP Sid Haig

The Last Few Movies I Saw: Episode XXXV – Very Important Stuff

It’s like I keep watching movies or something. That’s crazy. Anyway, if you’re new to this format. I watch several films at random and arbitrarily rank them against each other based on my subjective whims.

19. What can you say about Hal Needham’s Megaforce (1982) that Team America: World Police hasn’t already? For a movie engineered around doing motorcycle stunts and blowing stuff up in the desert with tanks, this is one long, dull, and very beige slog. Barry Bostwick stars as Ace Hunter, the leader of a crack squad of international soldiers armed with the best technology ever dreamed. Together they go after Duke Gurerra (Henry Silva) and kind of just mess up his base. But then it turns out it’s a trap and Gurerra won’t let them leave. Megaforce has a couple laugh-out-loud WTF moments, but most of the time I was trying to figure out the plot.

18. The original Jaws is a natural disaster/creature feature masterpiece. The concept is straightforward. The cast is great. Infamous for its slew of sequels of diminishing quality, Jaws 2 (1978) follows Sheriff Brody (Roy Scheider) dealing with yet another shark on Amity beach. No Robert Shaw. No Richard Dreyfuss. No epic bond forged by three hapless shark hunters on a mission. Instead we get some teens and Brody running around being as sweaty as ever. It’s forgettable, but it’ll entertain while it’s happening.

17. I keep watching Howling movies. I still have yet to see the original Joe Dante film, but I have developed an obsession since watching Howling III: The Marsupials and Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (aka Howling II: Stirba – Werewolf Bitch) and now Howling IV: The Original Nightmare (1988). And, yes, in that order. Admittedly this series is a hot garbage mess with fluctuating cinematic ineptitude, but dammit if they aren’t fun as hell. There is barely any werewolf stuff in this movie. Possibly three seconds total, mostly of a pretty bad looking puppet head only shown in closeup and most assuredly, not originally filmed for this movie. These movies may be unapologetic schlock, but they still make me howl.

16. A Night in Heaven (1983) is the story of a love triangle between a NASA scientist, his frumpy and affection-denied speech teacher wife, and her failing student who strips to pay his way through college. And it is told in the most un-cinematic and confusing of ways. Who is the main character? What is the moral? Is it just a slice of life cutting between male strip club hijinks and a quiet engineer ominously loading his gun? I really want to spoil the ending here because it is insane. After the woman (Leslie Anne Warren) finally succumbs to her student’s advances and she gets one night in heaven, she’s ready to throw it all away. But then stripper boy sexes someone else up. The only way to reset the timeline and undo this horrible infidelity is for NASA husband to secretly kidnap stripper boy, take him to the swamp, force him to strip naked at gunpoint, shoot at him, and leave him for dead. Then he goes home and forgives his wife and the music swells. I get that the character needed to reassert his dominance and masculinity, but the movie posits that this was a good thing?? The movie is bonkers and we laughed a lot, but truly the soundtrack is fantastic.

15. Robot thrillers are becoming less and less clunky as a subgenre. And that is reason to celebrate. I Am Mother (2019) is the story of the robot Mother (Rose Byrne and Luke Hawker), her human daughter (Clara Ruugard), and the strange woman (Hillary Swank) who enters their self-contained world. A twisty and turny slow-burn that keeps you paranoid and guessing. Sleek sci-fi minimalism with wonderful puppetry.

14. For the life of me, I can’t remember which Thin Man movies I’ve already seen. If you’re a fan of the sardonic sleuthing alcoholic couple of Nick and Nora Charles (played, as always by William Powell and Myrna Loy) then why not polish off the series with this race track caper, Shadow of the Thin Man (1941) and whatever other movies are left? More sarcastic remarks! More sleuthing! Markedly less alcoholism. They have a kid now. Like a lot of famous detectives, the show is less about the mystery plot and more about the detectives themselves. And I, for one, am chill with that.

13. Dennis Quaid is a loser navy pilot who gets shrunk down to the size of a cell in a top secret science experiment, but then gets accidentally injected into Martin Short’s ass. This is Joe Dante’s Innerspace (1987). It’s a wacky plot with plenty of clever twists and turns and unique problems to solve and ultimately becomes the story of a nebbish learning to listen to his literal inner-voice to find the courage to be a man. Wonderful visual effects and tightly structured storytelling. Meg Ryan and Robert Picardo co-star.

12. I love Hayao Miyazaki and Studio Ghibli. I’m human. How could I not. For the life of me, I have seen Lupin III: The Castle of Cagliostro (1979) more than once and I still don’t really know what it’s about. Gentleman thief saves a girl from a gangster yadda yadda yadda. The real star of this movie is the castle. All the nooks and crannies. All the gears and cogs. All beautifully animated and marvelous to look at.

11. I hope you’re well-versed in Japanese prefectures and their stereotypes. Fly Me to Saitama (2019) is essentially a live-action anime. Cartoonishly over-the-top melodrama and flamboyant costumes in outlandish situations reveling in the absurdity of the empty quest for status and nurturing of regional pride. Framed as a radio drama on a ride from Saitama to Tokyo, the story may be a trifle, but it’s a passably humorous romp into a zany world where everyone has donned their most ridiculous cosplay.

10. This next one is real hard to score. Night God (2018), directed by Adilkhan Yerzhanov, is a surreal intersection of a mystic Kazakh past and an oppressive post-Soviet present. A depressing series of weird, cold, and wet tableau vivants steeped in cultural despair and existential dread. I could not tell you what Night God is about. I’m not even sure I could honestly recommend it to anybody. Amidst the gradual succession of dilapidated interiors, I found myself feeling frustrated, curious, depressed, disconnected, and full of unease. Less a film and more an unabashedly arty lingering Kafkaesque nightmare that absolutely refuses to hold your hand. While not typically the norm, sometimes I like to be challenged in this way by something I’m completely unfamiliar with.

9. Well, I’m glad I finally got around to this bad boy. Society (1989) is exactly the type of satirical body-horror bizarro teen flick that appeals to me. OK, so not as good as They Live or The Stuff, and Society‘s lead (try as he might) is no hunky Marty McFly, but come on? A twisted riff on the upper class’s insidious control, incestuousness, and alien-ness with a grimly gross final act? Count me in. The tone may feel a bit wobbly, but it’s definitely worth a look. And WAY better than TerrorVision.

8. I am very late to the party, I realize, but up until recently I had never seen Quentin Tarantino-Robert Rodriguez experiment known as Grindhouse (2007). I have been a casual fan of both filmmakers as well as a few real classic grindhouse/exploitation flicks. And I love that the two directors tackle the assignment of making a modern grindhouse movie with very different tools and visions. Rodriguez’ Planet Terror is a perfect zombie apocalypse gross-out gore-fest. It’s effortlessly bonkers and absurd and positively wonderful in its darkly cheesy tone. If Rose McGowan with a gun for a leg riding a motorcycle doesn’t make you cheer, you are dead inside.

7. Planet Terror may be a fun throwback to classic undead gore, but Tarantino’s Death Proof is an utterly brilliant slow-burn horror. Kurt Russell plays a stuntman who kills women with his souped up car and the film is more or less just a big wind up to its signature car chase. Death Proof is cleverly structured and gleefully suspenseful and, honestly, stands on its own as just a solid movie outside of the grindhouse concept. The fake movie trailers that punctuate both films in this wild double-feature are also hilarious and fantastically entertaining. The trailers were directed by Rodriguez, Rob Zombie, Edgar Wright, and Eli Roth. While everyone may have their favorites of the bunch, it’s best to watch them together as they were meant to be seen.

6. The Hot Rock (1972), directed by Peter Yates, is a heist movie starring Robert Redford, George Segal, Moses Gunn, and Zero Mostel. Getting the diamond out of the museum was only the first part. The suspense continues as they keep having to do more cons and more capers to keep track of it and deliver it to their benefactor. Sleek and fun.

5. The Burial of Kojo (2018), directed by Blitz Bazawule, is a pensive, lyrical Ghanaian film about a little girl’s journey to the spirit world to save her father who has been betrayed by his jealous brother. Slow but sumptuous. Steeped in vibrant colors and an unsettling atmosphere of  tragedy, it’s a rich visual experience that operates on a sort of poetic dream logic.

4. Writer/director/actor Ryland Brickson Cole Tews marries his cartoonish sense of humor to the aesthetics of a Guy Maddin film for Lake Michigan Monster (2018), a freshwater shanty concerning a deranged faux lighthouse captain’s quest to murder the creature that killed his daddy. Or did it? Or did it have a good reason? Or what even is the Lake Michigan Monster. A briny yarn caked in barnacles and slapstick nonsense. I enjoyed the whole schmear, but the third act is where it captivated me with its bonkers creativity and wonderfully silly special effects.

3. Yasujirō Ozu (Tokyo Story) is the master of subtle, sublime, slice-of-life storytelling. Good Morning (1959) follows a family in a small Tokyo suburb and the many mini-dramas that play out when two brothers take a vow of silence to pressure their parents into buying a television set. Soft and gentle and simply human.

2. Miguel Llansó (Crumbs) has as unique a cinematic vision as you may ever find and it is exactly my kind of bonkers. Put him alongside Jim Hosking and Harmony Korine. Jesus Shows You the Way to the Highway (2019) is a spy-fi retro-futurist spoof of, I guess, the internet. Agent Gagano (Daniel Tadesse) gets sent on a suicide mission into the VR world of Psychobook to destroy a virus that wears a Stalin mask. From there we get corrupt African president Batman and some kung-fu scenes and a tragic romance and we even find religion. Or do we? At every turn, Jesus Shows You the Way to the Highway surprises, inspires, and confounds and just when you think you’ve figured it out, there are another several spinning plates to keep track of. This won’t be for everyone, but it was most definitely for me. My favorite film I got to see at Montreal’s Fantasia Film Festival.

1. Once again. I am late to the party. I was told it was good, but holy smokes. I may not be much of a fan of superhero movies, but as an animation enthusiast, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-verse (2018) may be one of the best animated features ever made. Spider-People from multiple dimensions team up to stop Kingpin, but there is so much more going on in this action-packed adventure. It might be too smart and too weird and too beautiful to have not done better. The writing is sharp and clever. The emotional hits hit. The action is mind-bending and brilliantly choreographed. Perfect voice cast. Gloriously beautiful character design. All this AND it’s funny? Spider-verse legit inspired me and filled me with joy. This one deserves the hype.

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SHORT FILMS BONUS

Picnic (2019), directed by Mike Pinkney and Michael Reich is the story of three women going for a picnic. That turns into a surreal nightmare, for perhaps no reason whatsoever. Enjoy the cake.

Cecelia Condit’s Possibly in Michigan (1983) is another surreal nightmare showcasing the golden age of American malls.

Legendary silent comedian and insane stunt choreographer, Buster Keaton, may be old, but he still has the gentle comic timing of an old master in The Railrodder (1965), a cross country adventure that doesn’t mind if it doesn’t know where it’s going. OK so he’s 70 years old here so don’t expect any over the-top-stunts. Consider this a quiet lollygag for fans.

Just broaden your world and watch more films by Senegalese filmmaker pioneer Ousmane Sembène. Borom Sarret (1963) is a humble, almost documentarian short about a poor cart driver in Dakar.

French filmmaker Agnès Varda travels to Sausalito, California to document a distant relative in Uncle Yanco (1967). It’s a short little tribute to her eccentric kin, but colorful and stylish and full of good, warm feelings that make you sort of envious of the special times they shared making this movie.

THE LAST FEW MOVIES I SAW: EPISODE XXXIV – I am so predictable

The more I do these lists, the more transparent my movie preferences become. I got a pretty obvious film profile. I can’t hide it.

Anyway. One more time. The last few movies I saw ranked by what I thought of them. Enjoy.

14. An awkward American re-edit of an already pretty bad Taiwanese monster movie. This is Thunder of Gigantic Serpent (1988). A little girl finds a snake that keeps growing until it becomes a full on kaiju. The subplot about an American mercenary named Ted Fast and something with gangsters are added nonsense that go nowhere except to offer some excuses for silly fight scenes. Tonally, the movie is a mess. Is it for children? But then the city destruction! Spoiler alert: best part of the movie comes after they finally kill the giant snake the little girl has an uncomfortably long crying meltdown. It felt metaphorical and cathartic for how much I hated the movie.

13. Stephen Chow’s God of Cookery (1996) is no Shaolin Soccer. A conceited master chef fraud learns some humility and actual cooking skill when he loses everything and winds up in the streets where he meets Turkey, a savage, ugly woman who knows her way around a food cart. Alas, a lot of the humor didn’t really work for me, but it has one or two decent moments and Chow always has some charm.

12. Finally, an utterly joyless Jackie Chan movie. The Foreigner (2017) is a revenge thriller about a former special ops soldier (Chan) who goes after the Northern Ireland deputy Prime Minister (Pierce Brosnan) after his daughter is killed in a bombing attributed to the “Authentic IRA”. People expecting a sort of Taken kind of action thriller will be disappointed. I was disappointed. Brosnan and Chan are both good, but the film itself is a bit boring and slow and complicated without being terribly interesting about it.

11. For the life of me, I can’t tell who the Leprechaun movies are for. Are they for fans of bad horror? Fans of bad comedy? Fans of Warwick Davis? Are they for children? But then, why the boobies? Leprechaun 4: In Space (1997) is absurd garbage. I like Warwick Davis (despite his Irish accent being about as offensive as a minstrel show) and I like schlocky slasher flicks, but the awkward attempts at comedy are so cringe-worthy that it makes this one difficult to stomach. This movie is laughably bad. It looks like a bad TV show. Utter nonsense. But then you must have known that from the title. Why is there a leprechaun in space? Schlock-master director Brian Trenchard-Smith isn’t terribly interested in answering that. Still more watchable than The Foreigner.

10. I’m not a big fan of the MCU, but I remember enjoying Guardians of the Galaxy overall. So I finally watched Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017) and it’s about as fun as the first one. Maybe better since it has a decent villain this time and a bit more of an emotional center (thanks chiefly to Michael Rooker’s performance as Yondu). Some fun action. Some fun spectacle. Some fun comedy (a bit too much at times). For the record, I liked this sci-fi adventure a lot more than its unfortunate proximity to Leprechaun 4: In Space might have you believe.

9. Smokin’ Aces (2006) is a movie that gets by on its cool. Several guns-for-hire go after the same annoying target (Jeremy Piven) while the cops try to protect him before he can testify against the mob. It’s got quite the cast (Taraji P. Henson, Ryan Reynolds, Ray Liotta, Common, Alicia Keys, Chris Pine, Ben Affleck, Andy Garcia, and more). Most of the fun comes from the very different approaches the killers have and their unique styles. Not a bad little action flick and a good ending.

8. Bon Cop Bad Cop (2006) follows the tropes of a lot of generic American buddy cop flicks, but the Canadian setting gives it a unique flavor and it is kind of refreshing to see a legit bilingual film. A by-the-book Ontario cop and a loose cannon Quebec cop have to team up and begrudgingly work together when a dead body is found on the border between Ontario and Quebec. The chemistry between the actors Patrick Huard and Colm Feore is solid and despite the humor, they play it more-or-less straight, lending some credibility to their performances.

7. In preparation for the new Netflix series, The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance, I re-watched Jim Henson’s original The Dark Crystal (1982). It’s always kind of fun revisiting old movies you haven’t seen in years. While I still have some issues with the overall storytelling, the audacity of building a fantasy world from scratch with its own ecosystems and mythology and then doing the whole thing with puppets is commendable. The Gelflings are still rather bland. The Wise Ones still feel like we’re missing some backstory. And the Skeksis are still a wonderfully revolting delight. It’s more fun to take in as a bizarre time capsule and a peek inside Jim Henson’s more philosophical and fantastical side. I wish the world had let him do more than the Muppets. We could have used more like this and Labyrinth.

6. An art gallery owner (Amy Adams) receives a manuscript for a book written by her ex-husband in Tom Ford’s Nocturnal Animals (2016). The book disturbs her and causes her to re-evaluate a lot of her life’s decisions. The book’s protagonist appears to be her ex-husband (Jake Gyllenhaal) going through a process of loss and grief following a harrowing encounter with roadside hooligans. But what does it all mean? It’s enigmatic and atmospheric and symbolic and has an unyielding tension. Michael Shannon, Isla Fisher, and Aaron Taylor-Johnson co-star.

5. I, of course, recognize that Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight (1995) isn’t exactly a beloved classic…which is exactly why it’s perfect for one of these lists. Ghoulishly bad puns aside, this is actually a fun bit of horror-comedy and Billy Zane plays a damn good Satan. A group of random people get stuck in an old church that is slowly filling with bloodthirsty demons. Unlike Leprechaun 4, both the horror elements and the dark comedy elements work and play off each other quite well. I’m a bit of a sucker for good horror-comedy. In addition to Billy Zane and the book-ending Crypt Keeper himself, the cast also includes Jada Pinkett, William Sadler, Thomas Haden Church, C. C. H. Pounder, Charles Fleischer, and Dick Miller. It’s not an important film and it isn’t really aiming for anything other than a diverting 90 minutes of spooky mayhem.

4. Boy, am I glad I finally got around to watching this one. The Lost Boys (1987), directed by Joel Schumacher, is about as 80s as you can get. A homoerotic punk vampire gang (led by Kiefer Sutherland), a comic book store nerd crew of wannabe vampire hunters (led by Corey Feldman), and the lost big brother (Jason Patric) who gets caught between his human life and a new world of power and horror. Great soundtrack too and Jami Gertz is gorgeous. I wouldn’t change a thing.

3. I really do need to watch more John Waters films. Cecil B. Demented (2000) is the gonzo story of a renegade troupe of movie snob terrorists and underground filmmakers who set out to fight back against soulless, lowest common denominator Hollywood tripe (like Forrest Gump 2 starring Kevin Nealon) by kidnapping bratty A-lister Honey Whitlock (Melanie Griffith) and staging a back-lot revolution. Its bonkers and joyful and full of exactly what one would expect John Waters’ attitudes about Hollywood to be. While Waters does put Hollywood blockbusters dead center in his sniper scopes, he’s not above mocking his terrorist protagonists for the delusional, idealistic weirdos they are. It’s sort of the whole movie ecosystem he skewers in this dark comedy. I especially loved that the gang all had auteur tattoos (from Kenneth Anger and Otto Preminger to Pedro Almodóvar and Sam Fuller). Cecil B. Demented is a movie for angry movie nerds and fans of underground cinema. Cast includes Stephen Dorff, Mink Stole, Ricki Lake, and Maggie Gyllenhaal.

2. A Swedish border patrol agent with a rare chromosome disorder has an encounter with a mysterious traveler who may be just like her in Ali Abbasi’s Border (2018). Somewhere between a low-key, slow-burn horror and a dark drama steeped in magical realism, Border is something of a masterpiece that is full of surprises. I’m really torn because I want to say more about the film, but I really don’t want to spoil anything. It’s a work of art. And I definitely recommend it.

1. Comic book writer and animator Dash Shaw creates a stylistically unique teen world in the utterly brilliant disaster comedy, My Entire High School Sinking Into the Sea (2017). Jason Schwartman, Reggie Watts, Susan Sarandon, Lena Dunham, and Maya Rudolph lend their voices to the inventively animated world. It’s a bit of The Poseidon Adventure and a bit of Rushmore and, at times, an allegory for climate change. I may be somewhat predisposed to respond positively to a movie like this, but that doesn’t mean you won’t enjoy it too.